sleepless nights

i've been debating over the past month on whether i should keep my blog or not. seeing as i haven't written in it since the end of march. i guess my life got a little busy. and now i am facing my 4th restless night since being back from vacation and finding my thoughts circling in my head even more so tonight than any other night this week.so i guess it's good that i didn't close it yet, so i can sit here and get those crazy thoughts out of my head. or at least damper them. see, we just had a company member with the theatre quit. she has hit on everyone's buttons and i guess one final argument with the artistic director made her part ways. which is for the better, as she was not happy. in her decision to quit, she decided to email the entire company (which is only 10) explanations as to why she was how she was, what we did wrong, accused us of things and pretty much got my mind a thinking. i think what bothers me most about it is that she accused me of blaming her for certain things, that i did not do. and that just doesn't sit well with me. i can't even justify myself as she does not want to hear from any of us again. there were many things that bothered me (CAUTION: don't read these kind of emails before going to bed as this is what happens) which are now keeping me up and have brought me to this computer. we had a production meeting for the children's theatre, which she was not the director of, but was involved in. during this meeting, the director said some things that she did not agree with as to what she wants for the show. so in this email, she is frustrated becuase no one else, basically, didn't take either side on the issue. my thing is, i'm just a props mistress. it's the director's show. if she wants these things her way, that's her call. the only one(s) that i feel should have any say would be the artistic and executive directors. if i've said all these things about her, but she felt like not saying anything because she loves me so much, why would she love me? why car about someone so much who talks about you behind your back? i will admit. i did say some things (but not the direct things she was refering to) behind her back. and i hate myself for it for not being man (woman i guess) enought to confront her on it. and for being the two faced person i don't want to be. i do enjoy working on stage with this woman. but there are just some things that just shouldn't be done, and i should've said something. but i'm a sissy and just let it all build up and vent to other people that i probably shouldn't have instead of saying it to her. so i'm baffled as to how she could love me so much when in reality i am a terrible terrible person! and i hate that person! she also mentions about how not drinking alcohol at the theatre was in our contracts. and yes, we, including the artistic and executive directors, were drinking on occational nights while or after working on the sets. and she mentioned something at one of those moments to me. and i didn't remember reading about it. and so, as i mentioned my mind in circles, it brought me to having a pretend converstion with her about how i don't have a good memory. and she would say "then do something about it". and then i would say i can't fix what i don't have. memory. and then it brings me back to those terrible school days where i would study and study and study and not remember enough to pass the tests. yet i can remember the wierdest oddest things. and some how (2 months later) have my lines memorized in time for opening night. i just don't understand my brain. and then it got me all upset and that is how i ended up writing a blog this late at night. probably doesn't help that i ate dinner very late as well... sigh. so i'm still debating on keeping the blog going. i doubt anyone reads it anymore anyway. but that's not the point of blogs, right? it's for my own personal entertainment, and if others read it, it's just a benefit. oh, and i also got bit by mosquitos last night, in bed mind you. and now they are all itchy again along with 3 new ones i recieved in my car. at least that's where the first itching began. and this is another reason as to why i am still up at midnight. i think i will try some milk. at this rate though, i'm going to be one cranky person come sunday. if i get any decent sleep on thursday, i'm still going to be super tired on saturday as we have to be in the mountains by 6:30 am. it's at least an hour and a half drive of where we need to be. and you know what else bothers me? i try to be such a good person and i feel like i always seem to fail at this! maybe that's why i don't have any friends out here. i just a terrible person and no one wants to spend time with me. that just sucks! i've been out here for over two years now, and i don't have a single person that i think i could just call up and say "hey, lets go out!" and that makes living out here so very hard. see! a circle. are you dizzy too?