i'm so bored

so much to do, yet i don't want to do any of it. yes, i know, two blogs in one night! after a break from blogging, i write two in one night.
william sonoma- love the money, hate the extra time taken out of my already busy life. this past weekend, i worked 11 hours on black friday, 8 hours on that saturday, had sunday off, and after a long day of my full time job, i go back on monday 5-11. i now have two days off and go back to work tomorrow. i work again sat for 8 hours (where did the 5 hour shifts go?) and back on monday. yeah, i might have sunday off, but...
stampin up! - business is speeding up! except when i'm not working at the job above on the weekend, the other day is focused on stampin up! what was i thinking? i don't make enough with this to help pay for christmas. although business is good, i just don't know what i will bring home at these parties. the most, i think, so far has been $60 but after this sunday, i won't have a party until january. i don't have any booked, and i'm not going to book anymore parties in december. i will for january, but not december. more for my own sanity than anything else. i would love more money, but i don't think i would make it.
CE - yeah. it's a job, not a career. it pays the bills. i like the people i work with, i like the job enough to stay, but i can't wait to get out of there. just out of the whole 8-5 at a desk, data entry blah blah blah thing. there are things i want to go back to school for, but i'm just afraid i won't do well in that to make a career out of it. yes, it's one of those downer blogs.
sigh. i'm even listening to christmas music, and the lights are on, and i'm still blahish. that's a new word by the way. i just made it up. it's going to be the new fad for '07. "that's blahish"
so husband is home. he'll be up soon, and he will read my blog as i type so i must end. tomorrow is a new day...

baby or no baby?

my coworker is pregnant. she got married almost 1 year before i did. she kept coming to work so very tired. i kept asking her if she was pregnant. she kept saying no. well, over thanksgiving, she found out she was. then she told me and two other coworkers at lunch that monday. we aren't supposed to say anything yet to the others. she's not that far along. when she told our boss, our boss told her she knew someone was pregnant, but she thought it was me. so that got me slightly paranoid. does she know something i don't? how could she? so then i started to freak out because i have been as tired as my friend. and you know what was so sad about the whole thing? i didn't want it if i was! how cruel am i? i don't want something that my husband and i have made together. maybe some of it was i'm just not ready yet. i just got married after all! and got a house! i can't afford a baby too! but i just don't want kids either! i told my husband i would have one with him, and maybe after that, i will change my mind. but no kids after 35! but now that the thought was in my mind, i really didn't want it! i was going to have to lose weight before i gain baby weight. and if i take after my mom, i won't lose the belly! i totally had a few days of freaking out. then aunt flow came to visit and it was safe for me to tell my husband that my friend was pregnant, and that our boss thought it was me. and you know what he said? if we were going to have a child, we would have to sell the house. that is his answer to any sort of financial situations that might come up. very frustrating. i won't even go into all that frustration. so now my new stress is, what if i still feel that way when i do get pregnant? am i going to have endless nights of crying? thoughts of falling down the stairs? i already feel that way now! i just don't want to be a mother. a mom. i just don't think it's something i will be good at. i know everyone seems to think i will be, but i'm really afraid that i won't! our child will be terrible because i can't control it like a mother should. i can't nurture it like a mother should. i can't love it like a mother would. i don't think i'll be able to have the patience for it! will i always yell at it? will i get bored trying to keep it happy all the time? what is wrong with me? why do i not want this wonderful miracle that God gives us? maybe i'm just not ready yet, so these thoughts are all fresh. and when i do get pregnant, it will be because we are ready as a couple and it will be happy thoughts. i have to have a child though. i told him i would, otherwise he wasn't going to marry me. boy would that piss him off! he would probably leave me right there. or kick me out. either way, it would be very very bad. the joys of motherhood just don't exist in me right now. i'm in for a long 18 years though when it comes.

lion king

Did i tell you i was going to see lion king? yeah, we went last saturday for his birthday! it was awesome! ok, awesome is putting it lightly! it was breath-taking. it is a must see! as soon as the curtain went up, i had goosebumps! and the only thing on the stage was the baboon (can't spell the name) and she was awesome! then the set moved on it's own, and the stage rose, and animals started to come on stage and down the aisles, and i was in heaven! they had an elephant too!!! my fav costume was the giraffes! and the sets were awesome! like when mufasa dies, the whole stampede was just awesome! and the headpieces of the lions were awesome too! and the singing was breathtaking! the guy that played older simba had a slight speach thing, but i got over it. it was spectacular! i can't even begin to put the right words to it! GO SEE IT!! it rocked! and wicked is coming next year! and light in the piatza (however) and yeah, i miss theatre. i miss my theatre friends. they are always the best to hang out with. =) go see lion king! you will love every aspect of it!

GO BUCKS!

And that is all i am going to say on that! oh and big ten champs! YEAH!!!!!! don't look so blue blue! =) hehe.
so i don't really have much to say. i just had to write a blog. i am still insanely doing three jobs. i dread going to the second one, but then once i'm there, i'm fine. it just takes time out of my evenings and weekends, but i'm getting christmas money (not that i have time to shop now) so that works out. i am enjoying being married. it's very wierd to call him my husband, or to hear him call me his wife. or to see my name with my new last name (finally!). but i think i can get used to it. these next couple holidays are going to suck. we won't be able to go home and i seriously doubt our families are coming out here. so it will just be us. but that will be ok. it's bound to happen sometime. so this is quite the mosh posh of blogs! i am thinking on taking voice lessons again. slightly out of practice. hope to be in a show soon. still have to check out auditions. which reminds me, i have to write a new blog after this! =) oh the suspense! i am listening to my other love's cd. josh groban. i just can't explain how his music just moves me. i wish i could be as famous as he is, just singing songs and having people enjoy them. well, i guess i will end this mosh posh and start the other will. *sigh*

did you miss me?

i'm back and married! woowho! and so happy! i was thrilled to see everyone and i was glad that curtain players hung out to the end to keep me company as my new husband had to run home to get the check book to pay the dj. good times. good times! the wedding, i thought, was beautiful and wonderful, and besides a few giggles from me (don't ask, i would give anything to not do that again) the ceremony was everything i hoped it would be. short, sweet, simple, loving, beautiful. my girls were awesome at keeping me calm, for they could tell when my mom was bothering me. and they looked so beautiful! i have no idea how i looked. and my brother looked very handsome. i was quite glad to have him give me away. it was very moving for me. and when we made it to the stairs to the alter, he held my hand until he had to give me away. i love him so. and then i finally got to see my husband to be! and man did he look good! i think i fell in love with him all over again! it was the most beautiful thing i have ever done! and i was glad my closest friends were there to enjoy it with me! and the the party started! i wish i could've spent more time with everyone, but alas, it was impossible. how i miss everyone though! when i'm there with them, it's like i never left. those are true friends to make someone feel that way! i miss you guys terribly! so there's not a whole lot to tell about the honeymoon. it was beautiful in north carolina with the trees changing. my new husband got the flu early monday morning, so that was an exciting start. but he slowly recovered and we slowly did things. saw my new house! ok, not really, but i would love to have it. 250+ rooms, 45 bathrooms, 8,000 acres, winery on site. we of course had to buy some. got to taste some too! definely more a white and rose wine kind of girl! it was awesome! then we came home and started our life as husband and wife. it's like dating all over again! i love it! i'm sure that will fizzle a little, but i know i will never stop loving him. i have officially changed my name and have the SS card and driver's license to prove it! ah, i would totally do it all over agian, and not laugh in the middle of the ceremony. at least i made it memorable for everyone. 30 years from now they are still going to talk about it. i just know it. un amore per sempre!