yeay me!

first of all, yes, i know it has been a very long time. and this is going to be short, as i am at work and really probably shouldn't be writing. but i have some very exciting news! actually 2. the first one is i am now a proud mommy of a 9 month old border collie/lab mix puppy! pictures to follow soon. she's adorable and i love her to death!
the second one is i am now a company member of a new theatre here in colorado! what does this mean, you ask? it means i am going to be guarenteed to be involved one way or another with theatre for the entire year! i am already cast in the first two shows of the season! i will be playing Miss Willie in "Curious Savage" and i will be playing Sarah in Neil Simon's "God's Favorite". i am so excited! and, the even more awesome thing, is i will finally be getting paid to do what i love! yeay me! so for now, this is all i can write. i'll write more later once the holiday season comes to an end. HAPPY HOLIDAYS~!

shutting off

yeah, i still have 15 minutes of work, and my mind has shut off. maybe it was my "margo" wig that squished my brain, or the fact that the pepsi machine's all out of mountain dew and everything caffiene and was wasn't going to pay 40 more cents in the cafe. maybe it's the eye makeup and allergies in my eyes (which i just found out i have very sensitive allergic eyes). or maybe it was the overload of faxes and emails everyone decided to send to me today! no caffiene. margo has come off. i have kickboxing tonight and i don't really feel like wearing an itchy wig to that. but i will probably put her back on for the trick or treaters. i'm just done functioning for right now. it looks like i'm working, but i'm not. you know what's really crazy? there is this brown haze over our state and it's kinda creepy. why? because it's all the way from california! and apperently it's made it's way to OK. cwazy! creepy! yeah, see! mind, shut off! this blog makes no sense. none. oh well. i must stop and get some gatorade before i get to the Y. she makes us run two laps and that just kills me! ok, blogger of no sense, leaving. must go kickbox!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

Go RED SOX!

i am so going to get beat up today. taken behind the building and beat up, left for the wildlife... not going to be allowed to pee in the same bathroom, eat in the cafe, people will slam doors on me instead of holding them open. why, you ask? because i am in Rockies country and i wore my red sox shirt to work today. i am a brave sole. some people think i should convert over. yeah. not happening. i won't even get into the whole ticket situation. i was really hoping to go though! oh well. pray i make it though the series! =)

can you believe it?

one year ago (and two days) i said "I DO" to the most wonderful man ever! i want to do it all over again! since i was in a show, i was unable to go away for the weekend, so we stayed the night downtown denver in this historic hotel called "the brown palace". i loved it! i made my husband write in the comments when we made the reservation that it was our anniversary. and sure enough, we got a free upgrade to the top floor in this awesome room! the bedroom was as big as our family room. there's an office you walk through before you go to the bedroom. both rooms had flatscreen TVs. do'nt know the inches, but it was a nice size! then there was this little cubby hole that had a closet with bathrobes and slippers! and the vanity had ice and water already in the bucket and pitcher! then the bathroom had a sunken tub, a stand up shower, then the room starts to angle (the building is in the shape of a rounded triangle and we were towards the corner) and there are two sinks, then the toliet just inches from the windows in which you could see down town! don't worry, there were curtains. then we changed and went down for dinner and when we came back they had turned down our bed and left us three little fancy cookies. they were divine. it was so nice! and of course things had to go on hold while we watched the red sox WIN game 7!!!! tried to get tickets for the world series since they will be here, but no such luck. that's a whole frustration and blog! if i get to it. so anyway, i took monday off and we went to the zoo and had carabu hot chocolate (my favorite) and just enjoyed the day! sigh, i want to do it again. oh, and our friends had flowers delivered to our room. it was a very nice anniversary and i can't wait until next year! ha!

interesting

isn't it interesting that i find out about my friend's baby via an email forward? we were writing back and forth right up to the delivery, then POOF! no more friend. did she have the baby? is she ok? is the baby ok? what happened? none of my friends inform me. i'm sure they think she would've told me since we were at one point inseperable. i tried calling her. she never picks up, so i quit calling her. i'm not going to email her. i don't know when she will be back to work, and since i don't have her home email, i just don't email. over 3 months later, i'm assuming she had the baby. they wouldn't let her carry it that long. it's just not healthy! so a couple days ago, i get an email from her! oh finally! she's going to tell me all the exciting news of her new little one! WRONG! it's a forward. and it's one of those forwards where you fill in your own information, like "what are you wearing right now?" i don't even open it. THIS is how my who i thought was friend is going to tell me she had her baby? i unfortunately have my email at work set up to where you can read part of the email. i see "mommy", she's obviously had it. then i see the "what is your favorite thing to do" and the first one has a boy's name, and it's not her husband. that's the second favorite thing. so i'm assuming this is the new little one. i hated to delete it, but come on! we used to be really close! then i move across country, out of every loop in ohio, and she doesn't have the decentcy to call or even email me about the baby, something she was very excited about? hmmm... makes me wonder. was i ever a true friend? i think at one point i was, but somewhere in the brief friendship, i somehow floated out of friendship, then i moved. i don't know if i did something that offended her? i have no idea. so i guess if she really misses me as she says in emails, she will one day email me or call (highly unlikely) and tell me about the baby. or maybe i'll find out in a christmas card. i am ending now. i have rehearsal. i just had to vent. and if you know who i am talking about, please do not pass on my frustration. if she's truly a friend, she will write, right? interesting...

figures...

got my CP newsletter today from ohio. I was excited to see my friend on the cover. then i open it up and see that my friend's show from march was invited to a competition (or something good) and then i see my buds are all in the same show, snaps to you! then i see auditions. "you're a good man charlie brown". figures. i have been dying to do this show, and now that i've been away, the one theatre i always did stuff in is now doing it! figures. i'm a little far to audition. oh well. maybe it will eventually get put on out here... sigh...

late at night

isn't it strange how, when your body can barely stay awake to finish the next chapter in the book, you put the book down, and try to go to sleep, and two hours later you find yourself more awake than you had been all day? did that sentence even make sense? yeah, i don't care. i've had all these thoughts jumping all over the place. and i can't pick a happy one to focus on and go to sleep. here are some of my crazy thoughts/memories.
i was thinking about my friend's wedding this coming july. i wonder if she's going to ask me to be in it. how should i make her thank you cards?
*transition*
i want to get married again. redo a few things i didn't like. like laughing in the middle of the ceremony. yeah that was embarrassing! what they didn't know was snot also shot out of my nose as well, since i was so happy i was a little (ok a lot) teary! i wish more people came that said they did. the reception was not set up how i told my mom i wanted it. i could go with a different photographer as well. yeah, that laugh was embarrassing.
*transition*
i want to go back to school. think they will accept a 30 something in the music theatre dept? what about web design? maybe CSU? that might be too far...
*transition*
HAHA! michigan got slaughtered! and it's all over even CO's news! Buckeyes won!
*transition*
i want to go to new york. can i go to ny and columbus? plus the wedding and a vacation? i need to get stuff from my mom's house (she's moving). wonder if my friend will go with me. oh i so don't want to drive through kansas.
*transition*
i want a dog
*transition*
i should go email my friend. i really want to go to ny. i should write my blog, work on my story. clean my office.
*transition*
i should work on wedding invitations for stampin up so i can get some business doing that! how should i set it up? should i use one color? (if only you could see the images in my head right now) i really need to move the tv to the other side of the desk.

yeah, i have nothing on my mind. can you tell? yeah, i know, it didn't take you two hours to read, but some of them were repeated. i think i left out some stuff too. i think there were even times i wasn't thinking, i was just restless. it's a crazy world after dark. strange things happen. the mind is completely different. and i could go on with a bunch more thoughts, but if i did that, this blog would be very long.
by the way BURTON, still waiting on that other piece of excitement! not fair for us who live far far away! oh and congrats JohnG and Burton on being cast! some day i'll be back again to see you guys on stage this time! yeah, don't know when that will be though.
sleep well world. try not to let your crazy thoughts overtake your mind as you try to slip quietly into peacefulness, even if it's only for a couple hours. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unit 1 Female

have i found my curtain players away from home? i have auditioned again, and have been cast again at the same theatre where i did diviners! could this be my theatre away from home? we shall see... still itching for that musical though. burton, you would like this show. perhaps you've heard? "the Deep Beep-Beep" seven short plays written to show what happened during the launch of sputnik. so, my play is a drama, but there's one with star trek which is just hystarical! i'm a pilot. i know nothing of the script, as we have not started rehearsals yet. but i'm glad to be back on stage, even if it's just 15 minutes. i won't be the only one. so that makes me feel better. we even have a performance at a planeterium! how cool will that be? so yeah. have that going on and that's about it. rehearsals will be minimal, so i guess that's good! one more local referance for when i audition for the musical in the spring in longmont!
oh yeah! speaking of longmont, my husband and i are going to join the Y in longmont, and i'm hoping to take up swing lessons in the month of Sept. and voice lessons if possible. we'll see how i am financially. so i'm going to take kick boxing and another aerobics class with my neighbor at the Y. going to start swimming again! will probably only be able to do a 500 (that's 26 laps) since i'm so out of shape! and now when it gets colder my husband can still train for marathons (i think he's hooked) by running on the indoor track. so we shall see what will happen with this, and hopefully i'll actually stick to doing something. by the way, should you read this tonight, supposedly mars is supposed to be by the moon at 12:30 tonight. don't know what time zone it is though. so we are starting at 10:30, provided the clouds go away.

the series is over

if you've noticed to the right, i still had harry potter book 6 up. well, i was not able to go update in a while. since i was unsuccessful at falling back to sleep after being woken by my damn cat crying in our bedroom, i thought i would clean it up. i have finished the series and have moved on to an adult book before i hunt down the third eragon book ( and yes, i know i spelled that wrong) which i know is coming out soon because the second book has gone to paperback. anyway, i am not going to say anything about the books, in case you are reading, or hope to read the last book. i will say though, i don't recommend reading all 7 in a row. by the time you get to the last book you just want it to end. it's a good book, i've just been reading it since february and my husband started shortly after. we are slightly burnt out, and dreaming about harry potter. not a good sign.
i will say how interesting it is that bloggers take ideas from other bloggers. me included! i took the counter and locator from my friends blogs, and they have started including books they are reading. i just think it's neat how this cyber world our blogs live in obsorb features to make thier blogs more interesting. i'm just proud of myself for figuring it out on my own (with the help of my brother) and then being an inspiration to others to do the same! i'm usually the follower, not the leader. yeah, i know, not a good place to be, but i do follow more than i should lead.
anywho-the books are read.

go back to sleep

i've decided to write at lunch today. today is not a good day for me. not sure why. ok, i have some issues that came up that have really pissed me off, more at the fact that i screwed it up, than someone yelling at me. maybe some of it is from the lack of sleep. haven't had a good nights sleep since vacation. wait, was i on vacation? maybe it's a lot of things and they have hit at once so i am having a hard time seperating things. i woke up this morning not wanting to go to work. i just wanted to go back to sleep and sleep ALL DAY for the next 5 days. that should've been the sign that it was going to be a crappy day. forgot we had this breakfast with HR and i looked like such a bumb today. oh well. then we had to say who was our biggest influence and i said my brother through major tears. i actually couldn't even get it out. but then i didn't explain why, but most of them know so it was ok. so now i keep thinking of that (not that that is what is putting me in a bad mood) then i get back to my desk and my supervisor emailed me on this issue and basically made me feel like i was the darkest crayon in the box. she even reminded me of the tip, and i explained to her at least two times that i didn't know it was suchnsuch (confidential payroll stuff, sorry) and that it wasn't communicated to me that way so i was just doing what i have bene trained on. and when she sent me the tip i told her that yeah, i might not be the brightest crayon in the box but i did know what tip. i probably shouldn't have said what i did, but i'm so tired of being treated like that. she does it to me all the time. and then they wonder why i'm always so hard on myself. i'll probably get written up or talked to this afternoon. but i don't care. i just don't care. there are other factors behind this issue that had me stirred up as well, so, yeah. i think i just need to go to sleep and rejuvinate my life.
on a side note, there is this guy that always parks his car outside my window and it cracks me up. he has two cars. one is very old and not even a classic or kept up well. then he has this probably 90's saturn station wagon. what is funny about this guy is that he puts a car cover over it. he even has a lock for it. ok, really? oh if i had a picture. he will come out at lunch or something and debate with himself if he should put the cover on, leave the cover on, take the cover off. he'll walk away, then walk back, then walk away again, then walk back. and just stare at his car. sometimes he walks all around it. sometimes when it's windy, the entire cover is over the front hood of the car. since it has a wire that goes underneith it that locks it, it doesn't blow off. it get's stuck in the tires. it's very amusing. his saturn has an atennea, and so it looks like this big tent.
i just want to go home. i really can't because things were missed on the payroll (ironically not my fault) and i have to do about 20 manual checks. jealous aren't you! so i guess i'll end my lunch, suffer through the day, and hope tonight i sleep the entire night (HA!) and have a better day tomorrow. after all! it will be friday! *sigh*

2:18

yes, that would be the time that my awesome husband ran 13.1 miles!!!! yes, my husband completed his first half marathon last saturday in the mountains! i did not run it. i stayed in the car and let my friend drive along and stop occationally to cheer them on. then a little over two hours later, he crossed the finish line! he ran the whole way! i'm so proud of him! after the run we went up to the top of mt evans, which we have not been to yet. it was over 14,000 ft. there was this place that used to be a lodge or restaurant or something, but in the 70's there was a propaine explosition and all that is left is the stone walls. you can even still see the burnt wood! it was really cool! it was a long day, but it was fun! now my husband wants to run the full marathon in denver in october. so after his rest this week, he will be back training even harder! so i just had to brag about my husband and how proud i am of him!!!

always average

so i was hoping this would be a happy and exciting blog, but it's not going to be. i auditioned for Damn Yankees this weekend and was not cast. and she continued to tell me on the voice mail that they did enjoy my audition, they just ran out of good roles.but they really want me to come back and audition for Fiddler in the spring where there are more roles available.ARG! ok, i was going to be happy with just a dancer, but i didn't even get that. and unfortunately it was a voice mail, so i was unable to ask just how personal was that voice mail? do they really want me to come back, where they really trying to cast me or is that what they told everyone? of course a theatre's going to want people to keep auditioning. whether they are good or not. this is the second musical i have not been able to get cast in. and what makes it more frustrating is i have been cast in every other musical i have auditioned for. it's days like these i wish i was a guy, where the competition is not as threatening. i would probably be cast if i was a guy. i'm just tired of being that average person. i'm even like that at work, but i won't get into that. just borderline of getting a role, but there's just that one person who is slightly better than me. ARG! i wish my husband would get a big raise so i could go back and get a degree in theatre. THEN i might actually be that person who just beat out the average girl. but i'm getting old. and i keep thinking i'm still young enough. but really, i'm not. i know, just keep trying. i've been doing that my whole life and never seem to cross that line. ok, i've been able to cross it once, when i was a lead, but there were three females. i've been pushed back so far now though, i don't know if i will ever get to that spot again. i want to be that person that everyone thinks they won't get in becuase i will get the role. i want to be that threat. but i'm not. i'm just average...

what's behind the mind?

so i have no idea what to write. i'm on my lunch, only because i have to be, not because i want to be. since i don't live close, i either waste gas and money at a store, or hang out in my cubie. so i sit here, hoodie up, pondering on the thoughts in the back of my head. what do i want to bring forward? do i even know what thoughts lay back there? some things i just shouldn't post. i'm tired of writing non interesting, look what's got me down, blogs.
but why do i have nothing interesting to say? and why can't i get those thoughts out from the back? i could complain, but no one cares about that. you know that CD i was all excited that i found? yeah, it's still at home, so i'm not even enjoying it right now. although i do have bon jovi, and that's pretty nice to listen to.
i'm really really really tired. i wish i could just sleep through an entire night. i don't want to do the drugs thing. i want to naturally find my peace in the night. maybe that's why my thoughts are stuck in the back. my muscles are too tired to move them forward. i know there's a whole bunch back there. i just don't know how to get to them, and once i have them, how to get them onto this blog?
i'm just randomly placing paragraphs too. did you notice that? i either don't write paragraphs, or i at least have a sense of where they go. i'm just too tired to care right now! did you ever in school write notes to your friends and write them in different shapes and scwibbles (yes i wrote scwibbles) so the person who has to read it has to turn the paper in all sorts of directions? that was lots of fun. i don't know why i started thinking of that. i want to do that to this blog, but i really doubt it will be successful. plus it would be really hard to turn the screen. unless you have one of those really cool monitors. hehe!
so i guess that's the only thing i could come up with to blog about. i shall end it now before i start to continue to type about nothing, and why nothing is the only thing to write about. sigh. have a great weekend! break a leg if you are in show!

Josh Groban

Heard of him? you should if you haven't. he's had some hits on pop radio stations. he's sung with the Boston Pops (which is where i first heard him), Allie McBeal, superbowl, Oprah, Salt Lake City olympics opening ceremony (with charlotte church) and many other events. i don't remember how i came across his first CD. But when i first heard him, i couldn't turn away. He has a song on the first CD that was sung on Allie McBeal. then after 9/11 (God rest thier souls) the song became more famous. forget the title. but it still makes me cry. went to a concert for his second CD. FABULOUS! OH! and he's on the soundtrack for Troy. He also sings in different languages as well. very unique musician. ok, so why am i writing about him? let me just tell you...
i am in love with this man, or rather his voice. i'm truly in love with another man, but when i hear Josh Groban's voice, my soul just comes to surface. my mind escapes. i listen to him when i take a bath, when i have a stressful day at work. i can't explain his voice. i have 4 cds. one is a cd/dvd. my favorite CD is "Closer". it had come up missing. i have this as concert mode which just highlights the cd (it's the cd/dvd) but it didn't have my most favorite song on it. i was going to withdraw! i almost bought the CD again, but got the new Bon Jovi instead. glad i didn't buy it for as i'm hooking up my old computer to get my theatre resume off of it, i notice the D drive is called Josh Groban! what? could that be? so i open the d drive and sure enough! it's my long lost "Closer" cd! i looked everywhere for this thing! i now have it back! and i am now listening to it!
"When you say you love me..." is my most favorite song. sometimes i can get all the way through singing it without crying. othertimes, i just have to let the tears fall. sometimes his songs just say the right words. just how i feel inside. yeah, i know there are lots of musicians that do that. for me, it's him. it's not just the words either. it's the whole thing. the voice, the rythmn, the instruments. it just pulls everything out from my deepest hideaways, and they all come running out, down the cheeks, clinging to the cheek, in hopes to absorb back into the deepest soul. some are successful. others fall off and leave thier marks on my shirt, the desk, whatever is in it's path.
one of my dreams is to sing with him. my life would be complete if i could just do one song, one duet with him. even if i don't perform it in front of an audience (which would be the icing on the cake). i just want to join our voices. see what would happen. would they clash? or would they sore above together? it's like finding a good pianist to play while you sing. it has to be a great chemistry to be a fabulous song. would we have that? as singers, performers? would we, together, be able to move the world? would i be blessed enough to actually be on a CD someday with him? i'm just a no one, here in CO. but, just for a day, i want to be a someone who gets to sing with one of the most unique, amazing singers EVER!
he's coming here in August. i don't get to go. for one, i just can't afford it. even the nose bleed seats are too much. and two, i don't really have anyone to go with. my husband would go, but i think it's during the week. i shall wait to see when he comes here again. maybe i'll just barge past security, find his manager and tell him i just want to sing one thing with him. just one thing. don't even care if it's just in a dressing room after a long concert. i just want to join our voices together. to see what would happen. to say i was good enough to sing with Josh Groban. and then my life would be complete.

i figured it out...

it just dawned on me as i put my dishes away what i think i need to get out of this slump!
1. a laptop (which i don't have)
2. some really good books (which i do have or easily get)
3. vacation time (don't have)
4. money (don't have)
5. little beach house tucked along the beachline in petite keys (saw it on the travel channel once)
6. a lot of wine (don't have)
7. alone time (don't have)
8. lots of sun and ocean air (don't have, have mountain air though!)
yeah, so looks like i'm stuck in the slump. yep stuck. can't get out... sigh...

what's going on?

yeah yeah. i know it's been a while. i just hate my dial up at home and having a terrible time trying to convince my husband we can get it. so i am writting on lunch. i don't even want to be here for lunch...
went to myrtle beach last week! it doesn't even feel like i was there. we went with some fabulous friends, and i hope they had just a good time as we did. what was really sad was i depressed half the time! i shouldn't be! i'm on vacation! away from everything here in CO! we didn't want to come back at all. who does?
i think there's something going on. in my head. i just don't want to do anything. even things i enjoy. i started to attempt to write a book. haven't been inspired to pick it back up again. havent' done any stampin up stuff. half the time i don't even want to read harry potter! who wouldn't want to read that? which reminds me, i need to update my readings. i don't know what's going on. there's so much i want to do, yet i can't get myself to do any of them! i even have an audition coming up in two weeks. need a monologue. i don't have a monologue. printed some off the internet before vac to start working on. never touched it. i just read through them last night. don't know what i'll do. this is not my strongpoint! i should've been working on this long long ago if i want in this show! yeah. need to get working on that. i'm just... uh, i just don't know! i can't even put it in words! i think i'm just stuck right now with my life. i don't want to be doing what i am doing, jobwise. i can't afford to pursue college to do what i want to do. i need a dog. i need that companionship. the cat just doesn't do it for me. it's on his time, not on mine. i need someone who will accept my lovin' anytime. besides my husband. he isn't even home half the time i am. it's still wierd to call him that. i'm stuck. in a hallway full of doors with no way out. or maybe i just haven't found the door that's unlocked yet. or the key to the doors. see! i can't even write my blog in the way i want to! ARGH! maybe i'm just making things more frustrating than they are. maybe i'm waiting for the "big break" when i actually need to go find it. i just have laziness tied around my ankles and i can't get the knot out. the only reason i want a kid is so i don't have to work for 6-12 weeks. and still get money. how sad is that? pretty sad. wow. this blog is a happy one... of course most aren't anymore for me. it seems like. i just need a change. like i haven't had enough of those in the past year and a half. i just need a different kind of change. or move along the ocean where i can sit on my back deck and write fabulous books (*hah) and not have to step onto an office, ever ever ever again... that would be nice. sorry for the downer. hopefully i'll have a good blog soon...

fluffer nutters and altitude

fluffer nutter? what? yeah, that's what i said the first time i went to rehearsal as stage manager for my friend's play he wrote and directed. so i asked him what it was. he was totally shocked i've never had a fluffer nutter. so i found out it's a sandwich made of peanut butter and marshmallow creame. so i ventured out and tried it. not bad! now i tried it in ohio, and have not had them since.
so i'm at my friends house here in CO. we start talking about food. probably because we were both starving and it wasn't until after the mention of fluffer nutters that we realized this. she didn't know what it was either, so i told her about it. she was intrigued. we were going to make one, but we were shy the marshmallows and didn't want to go out. it was a lazy night.
three days later, it's a weekend. Sony, Burton, you will appriciate this! my husband was back from his business trip. we were sitting on the couch, and i looked over to him and told him i was craving fluffer nutters. he, at least, knew what i was talking about. we hadn't had lunch (or was it dinner?) yet, so he said that actually sounded good, so we went to the store and got the fluffer to our nutter! we get back and i start to make the sandwiches. so i twist off the lid of the fluffer and start to pull back on one of the tabs to get that seal thing off. i get a little bit off, and try to get the rest off when all of a sudden the fluffer starts rising out of the little hole that i had made in the seal! it just kept growing! it just kept getting taller! it ididn't even fall over the side! it wouldn't stop! it was ALIVE!!!!!!!!! it was actually quite cool to watch. so i use some of this for the sandwich so i could get the rest of the seal off. it still doesn't stop, and i'm struggling with the rest of the seal. i make another small hole, yet unsuccessful at getting the whole thing off. and yes, more started to come out of that! it was never ending! FINALLY i am able to get the entire seal off, and the fluffer stopped rising. whew! i guess it was under a little pressure at 5,000 ft! i was finally able to make our sandwiches and enjoy them, with no fluffer going to waste. it was quite entertaining though!

alone

i hate being alone. last night, there were high winds, that kept me up. no one here to protect me. yes, from the wind. that made the house creek. made the sleep hard to come. tonight, i am yet alone again. i am so sad, for no other word comes to my mind. no, he has not left me, well, yes, he has, but it was work related, no worries. however, now i just mope around the house. eat way too much food, that isn't really satisfying. i watch sappy movies, that he wouldn't enjoy. and then i find myself crying at them. it is late, so the tv goes off. i go upstairs to my empty bedroom, sit on my bed, and find myself crying, lost in thought, missing my love. so i come here, to at least write something. whatever comes to the fingers i guess. i am homesick. i really only have a few friends that i would hang out with here. i can count them on one hand and not even use all the fingers. i have been hanging out with one, however, she is finishing college and can't spend all her spare time with me. this makes me even more homesick. the fact i have no one to hang out with at night. i've gotten lazy. the dishes have not been done. my laundry sits in the basement from a week ago. he will be back tomorrow. i want to go home. where i can count my friends on both my hands and feet. i want to be with my friends as they have babies, get married, get cast in shows, get broken-hearted. i want to live my life with them again. to see them in person all the time. not just a couple hours as i try to see everyone i can in three days. i want to be back home with them. but i can't leave my love here. for i know i would be even more empty than i am now if i should move back home. i am sad. i am lonely. i am sick. he will be home tomorrow. i even miss my job, as much as i was looking for a new job then. i miss the stories. the late night parties. the dance clubs. the bars. i'm missing babies, marriage, heartbreak, joy, accomplishment, sorrow. i make no sense. the fingers to the typing. it is late. i have hardly slept this week. i am alone in a huge house, which makes me even more lonely. i will wake with puffy eyes and a headache, force myself out of bed and go to the job that seems to be a dead end. i can't go anywhere else. i don't have the experience or degree. i can't go to college, for my love will be going soon. we can't both go. i hardly see him now. i won't see him then. i am alone with my thoughts. not a good place to be. alone.

a story of a cat

the weather is starting to warm up here in CO. our cat is shedding that winter coat. i've already taken him outside in april to give him a good brushing. i was pretty successful at that. i just stayed on the back porch. last weekend, my husband decides to give him a much needed brushing. so he takes him outside, into the grass (the cat hates grass), and starts to brush him. i go out with them. it was going to be a very entertaining day.
he starts to brush the cat. the cat is so stunned that he is outside that my husband was successful at getting one, yes, just one good chunk of hair out. after that, the cat decided to go into the house. he kept trying to run towards the door. he would run really low, and stop at the flowers, as if it was a barriar wall that he could not climb. yeah, they maybe went to his chest, and he just climbed through them 2 minutes beforehand. so i would get up, get the cat, and bring him back to my husband. this went on for about 15 minutes. he even tried to hold the cat by the skin by the neck. it was a losing battle.
"that's it, you're going in the shower!"
we pick up the cat and venture up to our master bathroom where our shower is a standup, with a glass door. my husband locks the cat in the bathroom (toilet) and gets ready to go in the shower. (how i wish i remembered to get my camera before all this) he then gets the cat out and they step into the shower. don't worry, our cat is totally declawed. instantly the cat is meowing, no screaming at the top of his lungs. he's stretching halfway up the door (yes our cat is that big) hoping to reach the top of the shower. he's pulling at the bottom of the door, hoping it will open. he would get quiet, then start crying again. it was so funny! those who have cats, i'm sure you know what sounds i am talking about. it never dawned on him that after 10 minutes of crying, no one was going to let him out. he was NOT a happy kitty, but my husband and i sure got a good laugh!
the water finally shuts off. the cat gets dried off and wrapped up in a towel. my husband passes him on to me and i get the luxury of making sure he gets good and dry. so i sit in our sunken tub and dry him off. he's like a little baby. we thought for sure he was going to run off as soon as we let him go, go hide under a bed or something. he's finally dry enough and i let him go. he jumps out of the tub and stops in the middle of the bathroom floor and starts to lick his tail. the first time we get to see him after a bath!! he was so skinny! he hung out there for a little bit, licking himself dry. he became very cuddily afterwards! and he was so soft! i'm sure he felt better too. oh was it a sight to see!!!

lunch break

the disadvantage of living 30 minutes away is i'm stuck here for lunch. my job in ohio i could go home every lunch! i only lived 10 minutes at the most away! so now i am stuck here. and no one is going to lunch, so i am eating at my desk. i was going to go shopping, but that get's pretty scary. especially when i'm by myself. so i am sitting here, not wanting to do work after lunch, ready to go home. i'm just so bored anymore here. it's a busy job, which i like, but it's not what i want to do, and the more i do this, the less i want to do it. but i have to stay here for a little bit so i can still live. everything i want to do pretty much requires a degree, so i would have to go back for that. so many decisions. and i'm getting older, and i just want to start over. go back to age 18 when i started college, and convince my mother i need to go to a far away school to study marine biology. i would only take my friends and my husband back with me. there's a woman here who is a temp. she will be doing my coworker's job while she is out on maturnity leave. this woman smokes. no one else in the dept does. i have a headache from the smell. she trys to cover it with perfume. that just makes it worse. i am reminded of this smell every time i go through the door. not very inviting. it makes me wonder if i smell like it when i go home. it really makes me not want to come in. i have to put up with it for at least 2 months. it all depends on when the baby comes. i just hope she comes back from leave, cause i don't think i will be able to work with this every day. it's kinda rude to ask her not to smoke. she's older, and some people are just set in thier ways and won't stop. she has that raspy voice, and wrinkily skin. and such a stench! ok, done venting about that. i'm just reminded every day of it as i take a breath and my nose burns!!! i'm still hungry. my lunch was not satisfying. i was trying not to have to get anything from the cafe, but i think i'm going to have to break down and get something. i did better this pay than last at spending money there. still more than i wanted to. oh well. . .

it's been a while

yeah, i know. haven't written in a long while. the show kinda took over my life (as they tend to do) and i never really got up to the computer. i don't have the luxury of some with a laptop to write wherever i want. that is something i am hoping to get soon though. so here's what i've been up to. my show was a good success! had two different versions of reviews. one was in the Denver Post, including my pic! they recommended the show. the other was in the Daily Camera (Boulder's paper) and they did not recommend the show. we had another article, but it turned out more about the director and the assistant director hooking up and getting married during rehearsals. there's always drama within a show! =) but they did mention the play inbetween talking about them, and put two pics in, including me! which is very wierd because i had a small role. but man was she a fun roll! according to my husband, i was the only one that had full character to my character (and he wasn't just saying that), and he wasn't a fan of the play.
during the play, i turned the big 30. yeah, that really depressed me. took off work and sulked all day. my husband was good to me though and got me a journey emerald/diamond necklace and took me to gordon biersch for dinner. yum! still not happy that i am no longer a young adult. even though i don't look it. they kept reminding me in the show that i'm playing a 17 year old, so i shouldn't be so down. i just don't think they understand. yeah, i can still look it, but it doesn't change the #. and everyone takes birthdays and ages a little different. i didn't want to celebrate, and people knew that, yet they still felt they should. so i got a cookie with a candle and sung to by the cast. and people at work got me stuff. i just wish people would respect my decisions sometimes. oh well. it came, it went, i guess i'll get over it.
i saw Wicked! OH MY GOSH!!!!! go see! it was fabulously marvulous! i would've gone every night if i could! the girl playing elphaba went to northern colorado. my husband flattered me and said he wants to see me play her someday. i told him i wanted to play glinda, cause she's fun, but he said i would make elphaba more real. i totally recommend seeing it! it's not a show to overlook. it must be seen by everyone! my husband even stood at the end for the chorus! he never does that! we were on our feet before the curtain went up for the call! fabulous!
so now that i've seen that, have the taste of theatre back in my mouth, i'm thinking of going back to school for theatre. yeah, i know, i'm crazy. i've been arguing with myself on it however. am i really good enough to get accepted into the program? will my age be discouraging (yes, it bothers me)? even though i would look the same age as all the other girls, how would i do? if i do go through the program within this year, and then graduate in 4 yrs, that puts a lot of roles out of the question. would i have to move to NY? i don't want to. (yea, i'm crazy) could i just audition in CA? would anyone even cast me? so many questions.i just don't know what to do...
on a last note, as this has gotten long, we finally got our new bed!!! we got it from pottery barn. it is so nice! it's huge! seeing as it's a king size and a canapy. i just love it. and of course we had to get new mattresses as well. i have the hardest time getting out in the mornings. which i knew would happen. we still need one more dresser, but we will be getting that soon. it's on backorder. the bed is so solid and heavy, it's really going to suck when we go to paint the room! ok, i have talked enough. my husband has finished making lunch, and i must go before it get's cold. GO SEE WICKED! miss my ohio friends terribly!!

oh stage, how i've missed you!

so we are three weeks away from opening night. i can't believe it's already so close! The cast is awesome! the show is going to be spectacular! i can't wait! and i am falling more in love with my character every rehearsal. it's my high. i will have the worst day, or be so tired, but as soon as i step on that stage, it's like this world does not exist. just this little historic church in a small town that is being transformed into a little town in indiana in the 1920s.
the other night i had the best experience and it really made me realize just how much i've missed the stage. i have this scene with a lot of lines. i'm telling about three stories at once. and my character, Darlene, just took over and i was just naturally doing things and the director liked everything i did! i even made him laugh! in a good way! it was great. i can't even explain the feeling. you thesbians know what i'm talking about. you just get engulfed in this person you are trying to create and when it connects, it's unreal, but great! i don't have her completely yet, but for that one brief moment at rehearsal the other day i was higher than a kite.
unfortunately, i won't be able to audition for a while because all the shows coming up are around the time my mom is coming, which would be great, but she's only here for a short bit and i don't want to be at the theatre most of the time. if the shows aren't then, it's when we are on vacation (can't wait!) so i must keep my eye out. this is the best drug ever! that and being in love with my husband. hehe!

Tumbleweeds DO exist!

being an Ohio born American, tumbleweeds are not something that come blowing across your yard every day. sure, i've seen them on the western movies, blowing, tumbling across the dry dirt road from one ghost building to the next. but i never thought i would actually really see one! driving down the highway, they just tumble right across the road! not caring if you hit them or not. i wouldn't recommend hitting them though. if they get stuck under your car, it gets hot, BIG fire! haven't experienced it yet, and i hope not to. i've seen these strange weeds out here for a while. i just now feel like writing about them. it is so windy here today, the clouds cling to the earth and sky, as the wind pushes the middle away from its central being. they look like big sails in the sky. then tumbleweeds come running across the highway. not a care in the world. makes me feel like i'm in a modern western. plains on both sides, but instead of a dirt road, it's a paved highway with fast moving vehicles, struggling to keep their spot in the lane as the wind trys to clear the land. then the house creaks as the wind hits it with all it's might, huffing and puffing. tumbleweeds even find thier ways into our yard. old western meets modern world. the mountains don't seem to get the weeds. just strong winds blinding the roads, as it turns the soft falling snow to a white blanket. it's out to stop any car from passing. it's a 4 seasons on one day here in colorado today. and it's suppose to snow again this friday. calling for 4 inches right now. as the wind attacks my house, i feel safe inside the walls, knowing nothing will get through, no matter how hard it knocks (unless it's an uncontrolable funnel that the skies have released. but it's too sunny for that)

what to say!

i don't really have anything to write about. at least at the point of writing the title. rehearsals are going well. they are really pushing me to bring out all this stuff with my character. i feel kinda bad that i keep holding up rehearsals by doing my scenes over and over until i get where they want me. it was kinda frustrating actually. but hopefully i will get her where they want her.
i've thought about writing a book! i know! me! an author! we'll see. i keep thinking about it, but when you have a computer that doesn't move, it's kinda hard and gets very uncomfortable to sit, it's hard to get motivated. and i have a friend who has said she would edit it for me! and i'm sure she can hook me up with some publishers as well! since she works for a magazine. i'm sure she can find someone!
not much else going on. not much else on my mind. i am very excited to see wicked in a month!!! of course that also means it will be the day before opening night!!!! i am so excited to get back on the stage! i just wish i could get on big stages, and even maybe a movie! some day i will make more than my husband and everyone will know who i am. don't know if i want that, but i want to share my talents with the world. ah to be mediocre at everything. someday i will find something that will make me shine!

had to walk away!

i just can't take it anymore. i just can't watch the game anymore. and by the time i get this posted, it will probably be over. and seeing as i don't hear any excitement from my husband, i have a feeling it's not a pretty sight. why can't the buckeyes just win a championship this year? why are we making it all the way and then lose it in the end? now i will say that at least the basketball players showed up this game. i won't get into my judgement of the game. but i will say i am tried of hearing about Oden and how long he's been in the game, out of the game, blah blah blah! OSU has other players! it's like when krenzel (?) was the quarterback! all we heard about was how smart he was, blah blah blah. maybe if i walk away, there will be a miracle. maybe just maybe! i can't take it. i just have to not watch anymore. it's a good thing OSU has a good medical program cause they have a lot of heart attacks to study from all the suspense every sport seems to like to give. maybe some day they will make a movie about OSU, the teams that never made it to the end. sigh.

rough life

i don't understand why people marry people when that person hurts them. i have a friend here that is married, and some of the things she tells me he does, i just don't understand. he doesn't hit her, at least that i know, but i think he's a little rough of the verbage sometimes. like, the other day we got in this little argument, and one of the things she said was that she has enough negativity at home, she doesn't need it here, meaning work. i won't get into that argument, but it just makes me think, why do people put themselves in that type of environment? they know going into the marriage that he's like that. maybe there's A LOT more good stuff about him that i just don't know yet. there would need to be A LOT, and i mean A LOT of good stuff for me to get over the not so good. yeah, i grew up with being terrified of my father. not exactly negativity, but it was abuse. why would i want to marry someone who would be the same way? maybe because i was already in that environment, i knew better? i don't know. i just don't see how people can be with people who make them sad, or don't have much good to say, wether about them or someone else. and then i think about the kids involved. are they going to grow up being terrified of thier father as i was? that's not healthy either, and they don't have a choice! i don't even know if this blog even makes sense. i just had to get it off my chest. whew.
on a side note, i start rehearsals tonight, and i can't wait!

17 again, even if it's just for a day

My absence from the stage has ended! That's right my fellow readers! i am back on the stage! i saw the audition a week ago, i never got to read the script. just saw the ages. knew i would be stuck in the middle, but i thought i would give it a chance. so this monday, i went and auditioned for this little theatre (and you thought CP was small!) about 20 minutes away. i handed the director my application and he saw my age and told me that i was borderline for some of the roles, and i told him i had played a teen before (and won an award for it, but i didn't tell him that) and he said he'll see what he could do! so i go up and read. i read for the sister to the lead brother. both teens. felt good about it. then i read for her best friend and cousin, another teen. the character engulfed me! i was this person, saying these words and making these motions and i had no control of it! and i was reading her for the first time! it was the best feeling EVER! and how i missed it! so he had me read her a lot that night. then on wed, he sends out the email for those he wants called back. i emailed him back saying i would be there. he emails me back and said that i would've already been cast, however it was the boyfriend that i had to match up to and suggested i try to look slightly younger that night. and he really enjoyed watching me! there were more comments and suggestions from him in another email, that i won't bore you with, but it really shot up my confidence! so i work with my husband on how to get me younger. i go to call backs. two roles were already cast. the lead teen boy, who is slightly older, but it works, and then the preacher. both did really well at auditions. well, the teen (his character's name is buddy) sat beside me. when we went on break after a tough audition, he told me i did a really good job. then there was some small talk and then he wanted to know how old i was. i told him i would tell him later. i just didn't feel right telling him at that moment when my competition was sitting two seats over. break is over and the director asks some men to stay and say to everyone else he will email the cast list by saturday, but will probably have it out before then. then dismissed everyone else. so i look at buddy and tell him this is the worst part of auditions. he said i have nothing to worry about. he's pretty sure i am in. i said i don't know. then he said he would put money on it, and i said i wouldn't. don't want to get too confident! it just makes disappointment more shattering. so then i shake his hand and say congrats on the role for him and tell him i'm 29. his eyes got big and his mouth dropped and he said NO WAY! i just laughed and said yeah, and walked out. this morning i check my email about a thousand times. no listing. not that i expect it to be posted! then at around 9:30 i get a call from the director asking me to play the role of Darlene! of course i accept, i get off the phone and fly to cloud 9! i think i'm more excited to be on the stage again than getting the role! although i am thrilled to be playing Darlene! she is the character that overtook me and i can't wait for it to just grow and grow! i am so exited i can't even stand it! i just want to climb to the top of mt meeker and tell the whole world "I'M BACK STAGE! WATCH OUT!" and what is really cool is that i always wanted to play a teen or kid. i thought it would be something like charlie brown or something, but this works! sigh. still floating. somebody pull my cloud down! my husband is a little bumbed. i think he's kinda sad he's not on the stage, and he's the theater major! he is sad that he won't see me three days a week. and then if i have a workshop, or have to work at WS, yeah, he won't see me much. you probably want to know the play huh! it's called "The Diviners" and the website is www.tclstage.org just in case you want to take a trip to CO and see me!!!!!!! there's free lodging! YEAY!!!!

must be the night

I had a terrible dream the other night. it woke me up around 3:30 and i forced my eyes to stay open. when that failed, i tried to get my mind to think of other things instead of what just happened in my mind. i think i fell asleep for an hour before my alarm went off. then i had that heavy sleep, like i didn't sleep well. oh wait, i didn't. so what was that terrible dream?
there's a girl i don't like back in ohio. in the dream, she convinced my brother to catch my bedroom on fire. this bedroom is of the house i grew up in. i was there when he does it. he sets fire to the bedsheets, which just lingers in one spot. i convince him to put out the fire. i told him i don't want my room to burn (who wouldn't!) and that i liked my bed (it's a canapy) and everything in my room. so the fire is out, however i can't sleep becuase i'm afraid she will look in the window to see if he succeeded on the fire. she never comes. but i hear somebody shoveling outside, yet there's no snow. so i go into work the next day, which is here in CO. she comes in because she works in the same department. don't ask. so i get up when i hear her come in and start yelling at her. i ask her why she would want to do such a thing and that i hate her and how cruel and rude she is. and then i tell her that it didn't happen. then she so casually (which makes me want to hit her) says, "that's alright. i've taken care of it along with some other houses.' she gives a little smirk and sits down. i run out of the office, and all of a sudden it's night. the guy (don't know if it's my brother or my husband, but i'm close to him) drives me to a house. it's a ranch. sure enough, the entire inside is empty and the colored walls are smeared with smoke. she wasn't lying. i run to the back yard, which is covered in snow and start to run towards my mom's house (that little growing up house has changed to this) and i ask the guy how far our house is from here and he said a couple blocks, so we run back to the car and head that way. i force myself awake. i just don't want to see my mom's house burnt by this evil person i had to work with every day.
That's my horrible dream. i was afraid to go back to sleep and pick up where i left off. i just didn't want to go there. but the other burnt house is still a vivid picture in my mind. and the look on her face while i yelled at her haunts me. it was so cold and uncaring, almost errie! ok, it was errie. i no longer have my orange mist (OJ and sierra mist) before i go to bed. just in case that was the cause of that terrible, horrible, awful dream.

Damn you Columbus!

i knew i should've stayed here. sulk in my illness. get over the fact i don't have the group i had in Ohio. come to grips that i might never have that group, or any other group to really hang out with and stuff. just stay here, sick, for home. maybe, eventually, some day, 8 years from now, the illness would pass. but, no, i just fed the fire and went home. don't get me wrong, i was very glad i did! i had a great time with everyone, and even a greater time surprising everyone! i just wish the visit could've been longer. way longer, like 5 years. i don't even know when i would be home next. i'm not even allowed to go home for my friend's wedding! we'll see where i am financially by that point. i might be able to go home. but even that wouldn't be a long visit. they go on with thier lives, almost as if i was just a figment. and it even feels like i wasn't there. just a great dream. i try to cram visits with friends in a short time span, making me just a figment. was i really there? although this time i did not cry as i left the airport to go to my husband, i cry now. longing for that happiness that the jets of the planes suck out of my soul as it pulls away from the gate. i must guard the other happiness with my husband with steel walls so that does not get sucked out as well. then i would be left with nothing, but my illness...

success!

i get to the door of CP, hair short and black (not my norm). My friend was running late, so we had arrived after the show started. Someone inside hears us arrive and meets us at the door. it opens as we approach the steps. i am maybe a foot in front of her. i know her. she looks me dead in the eyes and asks us a question. i don't even remember the question. i was so worried she knew it was me. my friend speaks. she turns to her. takes a second and realizes who she is. talks to her and then looks back at me, dead in the eyes. she gave no indication she reconized me. but would she? she shows us to some seats, there's not room. so she takes us to the other side. there's room and we quietly sit. first round, success.
i reconize the person in front of me. i quickly whisper to my friend not to mention anything about me. a funny part happens in the play. i laugh loudly. i hear my friend i have come to surprise laugh as well. (it's his first full length play to direct) he is sitting where we were about to sit. ironic? my friend tells me not to laugh. good thing it was more drama than humor. i would've been in trouble! intermission comes. the girl comes for our money for the tickets. she stands right next to me. i watch my friend get her check ready. i don't turn around. my friend then goes to get us something to eat. i get out and a good friend of mine comes around the corner and sees my friend. i quickly jump back in the seat, hoping she doesn't reconize me. my friend tells her i am from out of town. technically i am. while she is getting stuff, the director comes around the corner and starts talking to the ladies in front of me. oh crap! so i duck my head and pretend i am reading the program. i don't even know if he looked back at me or not, but he was facing my way. then my friend comes back and sees him standing there. "should we go to the bathroom to get away?" she whispers. "no," i say, "more people to avoid." he then starts to talk to my friend. i barely glance at him. i just look around the theatre, looking bored. occationally, i would look at the program. go away! i think. he's going to reconize me and it will be ruined! finally the music cues him to go sit down. PHEW! we decide to keep the wig on. while i'm watching the second act, i start to think about how much i miss performing on that stage. on any stage! this is my first performance in a year! and it's all improv. the show ends. my friend asks the ladies in front (who know me) to take our picture. no indication they reconized me. second round, success.
we hang around the seats for a little bit. then turn the corner. another friend of mine is at the table with the food. he looks at me. i grab my hair and pull it back. this long natural light brown hair falls. it is i. his eyes get big and he runs around the table and gives me a huge hug. he could not believe i was there. my friend told me to quickly put the wig back on, as the director has not turned the corner yet. so i rush into the bathroom, put the wig back on, and come out. just in time. he comes over to the snack table with his girlfriend. she stops next to me. she has no clue. i wait for him to turn around. he doesn't turn around. my friend trys to talk to me in a way that would make him turn. no luck. he goes to the side of the table. finally, as the glass is to his lips, he turns and looks at me. i pull my short black hair off. his drink goes back into the glass as he bends over in shock. his girlfriend still has not realized it is me. he runs over and gives me a huge hug. i tell him i came to support him, and wanted to surprise him. his girlfriend finally sees it is me and gives me a huge hug. all the freinds i had hoped would show up that night did. lots of hugs and smiles went around. final round, success!

Book Review

Before i start about the books i've read, i just wanted to tell you how excited i am that i learned how to add all these links and how to change the colors! i think i've spent the last hour playing with the HTML color pallet! i had the previously read as different links, but i decided i liked the books.

Eldest
first off, if you have seen the movie eragon, but have not read the book yet and plan on reading the book, or vice versa, you are in for a big disapointment! the first book is so much better. and, johng, i read it over a year ago, so i don't remember if it was hard to read. he just tries to throw in some big words and it kinda throws off the rhythmn. keep reading! Eldest was very good. it does not have as much action as the first book, but i believe it is simply building up to the third book. my husband has to read at least a chapter before bed. I recommend it, but don't expect a second movie to be at all like the book.

Harry Potter #1
i had to keep reminding myself that the book was written before the movie. i must say i am glad to see the screenwriters stuck to a lot of the book, and used many word for word phrases, even if different people said them. i don't have much to say about this book. just that it was very good, and it read fast. i think i finished it in a week. keep in mind, i was sick (see earlier post) so i got a lot read.

ok, not the best book review person. and let me just tell you, finishing eldest, immediately starting harry potter, and things bothering me at work, i had some messed up dreams about being scryed (is that right?) at work while trying to do/learn magic! yeah they were messed up! i do recommend reading the books though! i think i would've liked eragon the movie had i not read the movie, but the more i read the second book, the more frustrated i got at the movie with how much important stuff they left out. especially if they plan on doing Eldest as a movie! Harry potter i was much more understanding. if they added everything in the book, it would be a 5 hour movie!

speaking of Harry Potter, let me just tell you how frustrated i am about all the publicity that is going on about what's his name doing that play in england. HE'S an ACTOR! actors like to try different things! it is a very good play my husband says. he's not going play a teen forever! he's just expanding his talent! and if the media didn't make such a big deal, no kid would know he was doing such a role. why? because no kid is going to go see the play! and even if they did go see the play, they need to remember, as does everyone, he's an ACTOR! it's not harry potter playing this kid who get's naked on stage! please! they are two different characters and i think he has every right to play whatever role he wants to. i just wish people had a more open mind. come on people. seriously! He's not going to play harry potter forever, and this other play (sorry i am terrible with names of both shows and actors) will be good for him as an actor and as a person! yeah, i might always get casted as playing some form of whore (prostitute, can can girl, on my 9th marriage, cheat on my fiances, wear two pieces - down boys-). i just happen to play those characters well. doesn't mean i am one. it's a good challenge because it is not who i really am. and the more i'm casted as that sort of person, the better an actress i become because i just have to work harder. if that even made any sense to anyone but me. and now i have blabbled from a book review to defending what's his name aka harry potter. if by some strange odd chance you are reading this, i say good for you! and i wish you the best! break a leg!

it is i

can you believe it? i'm back! back from the dead, or rather reality. don't really have many excuses for my absence. but if i'm going to make up an excuse, i might as well make up a few!
I'm totally whipped. yes, by my husband. and not physically either. that's just not a turn on for me. he wants to spend time with me. cuddling on the couch, watching movies. AAHHHH.. yes i hear you guys. so i don't make it up to the computer.
i've been sick. all last week i would come home so tired from work that i don't even get up to get the phone when my husband calls to tell me he's leaving. and i go to bed shortly after 9. yeah, i was sick.
this past week, hmmm... really no excuse. i can't think of one. just can't make it up to the computer. so what makes we write tonight? yep, you guessed it. he is working his every other friday night, although it's been every week the past month. enough with excuses, even if they were good ones. =) i don't really have a theme for the blog. just what i can remember what is on my mind. i will say this,
I'M TIRED OF SNOW!!!!!
i never thought i would say it, but i did! even if it is just a dusting. i'm so tired of shoveling once or twice a week. although we did have one week of no snow! but we did have three days of frozen fog. that was fun. and now it's been warm enough, all the snow that is not shadowed has melted. our front lawn, yeah, still LOTS of snow. and guess what! it's going to snow AGAIN! seriously. i think we got the point. it's winter! i'm ready for the windows to open and cool breezes at night, and a quiet rain on the rooftops. the smell of wet sky blowing through the room! and my hair getting frizzy.
i'm going to see wicked! i'm so excited!! it's coming in may. let me just tell you about how we got these tickets. i don't know if i ever told you, but my husband made a friend at my cousin's christmas party. my cousin is not straight, and neither were many of the people there, but i was totally cool with that. well, my husband starts talking to this guy (yes, the guy is gay) and they exchanged #s which i guess was teased about afterwards. the guy (we shall call PA) has a serious partner, so it was quite interesting. anyway, they went out one time. i did not go on this adventure. they just went out to dinner. i guess PA just like to talk to my husband because they like to talk about things in ways that most people, including me, don't normally talk. if you've met my husband, you know what i am talking about, and i can't explain it. anyway, the next time PA wanted to do something, my husband wanted me to come too. so where to do we go? the mountains with PA's partner and another couple. the trip was a couple hours and PA kept saying how he wants us (my husband and i) to do all these things with him. the list is very long. we did have a good time, and when we got back, we hung out at their house for a little bit. which is when we were invited to see Wicked. now i kinda feel slightly intruding. there are a group of guys that always do things together, including my cousin. he is getting a ticket for his birthday, even though he really doesn't like theatre. so we are a new addition to this group, kinda. so, PA called us again a couple weeks ago and wanted to go out. so we meet him for a late lunch, meet his partner at the denver art museum (saw monet, it was awesome!!!) and then we decide to go out to dinner and then a movie. now i find myself relating more to PA's partner, who i shall call AL. however, i think he still feels a little akward hanging out the "the other kind" because we aren't normal in thier world. anyway, PA really wants us to go to this dance and drum thing for his birthday. just us and AL. none of his other friends. just us. ok. so we are going next wed. then we are going to wicked with a bunch of guys i don't really know, besides my cousin and these two. it shall be interesting, but it will be fun. for they are a great bunch of guys (from the brief moments i've met them) but i need some straight friends! i have one really good friend. but she's in school and works and writes papers for school, so i don't get to see her much. i have another friend that i hang out with how is also gay, and as much fun as her and her partner are, we need some straight friends! i just can't explain it. i love hanging out with them, don't get me wrong! and i don't feel awkward at all with either of them. i think i just need some friends.
i'm so itching to do theatre, it's killing me! i really want to do a musical, but i think that ship has sailed until after the summer. but maybe i can get into a play. i can do plays. i need to work on monologues, but i can do cold reads!
(side note, the cold front is coming. the wind is really hitting the side of our house! it's supposed to rain, then snow. i can just hear the wind for now. thought you'd want to know) i just want to be on the stage. i want to get really good and win awards again! yeah, i've only won once, but it's a great feeling and i want to accomplish that again! some day...plus, once i get into a show, i will know more of other auditions, and make friends! i won't ever see my husband, but i'll have some more friends! in case you didn't know, i really need to have that social life. my husband, not so much, but i do.
speaking of friends, i'm still terribly homesick. every now and then i will start to stare at my computer and my eyes get watery, and i have a quiet little meltdown of loneliness. my OH friends are just so much fun to hang out with! i totall miss it! and i've made my eyes water again! dang it! i am going to be hanging out with some awesome OH friends this summer as they venture to myrtle beach with us! i can-not wait! it's still a while so i should push it aside.
i shall conclude with the murder of the cat, or rather, some days i would like to! we bought grapes last week. we've gotten them before, however, Ols has decided to discover them this time. he now jumps up on the counter quite frequently, and it is really starting to piss me off! one day we came home and found all these little grapes all over the house! if that doesn't give it away that he was up there! every day, there were more grapes. i ended up not eating them anymore because i don't know what he's touched. do you know where that tounge and those paws have been? NASTY! i woke up the other day and found all the grapes lined up along the side of the sink. then tonight i make chicken nuggets. some were left out. i heard the pan move, and yelled at him. i didn't see him, but the shot glass with toothpicks on it's side was a good indication that he was up there. and he had the NERVE to meow back at me! i just want to cut his jumping muscles so he will stay down. one of these days, i'm going to buy fly paper and leave it on the counter. yeah, he won't like having THAT stuck to his paws. don't know if that will keep him down, but it's worth a shot!
i've written enough. this is what happens when i am left alone, not wanting to do anything, and not written for a couple weeks. hope you made it to THE END!

snowfall #8...

This was once our light post, until the 7 weeks of snowfall came! fun times. fun times. actually, not really. i hate to say it, but i'm getting tired of it. i likeit on the ground, not on the roads. and i'm getting tired of our road not seeing any sort of snow removal. although today there was a bulldozer clearing the sides of the roads. there was some snow removed from the entry of our road, but that's it. i'm going to need new shocks after this winter! and you would think that we would've been skiing by now. nope. we are yet to go down a slope. oh well. and it is going to be -8 tonight and 8 tomorrow and -6 tomorrow night. then it will gradually get warmer. slowly, but it will get there. so far no snow next week, but that's what they said about this week, and look at my lightpost! soon it will just be shining snow. that would be cool to see! i'm off now to cuddle under the blankets! brrrrrr....

something a little different

My dream catcher
My heart-throbber
My tear catcher
My lover.

My everything
My everyone
My every being
Together as one

My believer
My laughter
My defender
My ever after

happy wedding days!

my friend is getting married this saturday. in ohio. i can't go. i already had prior committments. kinda sucks! i'm sure it will be wonderful though! i miss out on so much out here! my other friend is getting married in december. don't know yet if i am invited. don't know if i will be able to go to that one either though! why can't people get married out here? just kidding. it would be convienient for me, but not for the majority of thier guests. oh well. i know the excitement she must be feeling right now. i kinda miss that feeling! too bad it happens only once! it's a good thing, but i'm sure there will be other excitements ahead.
i should be working on getting my workshops ready for this weekend. i'm just not motivated right now. i am going to a surprise birthday party tonight, so the rest of the evening is out of the question. i will have to get up early tomorrow to get ready if i don't start working on it now. sigh. i've been so lazy! i wonder if it has to do with how depressed i am. actually, i'm pretty sure that is why.
two of my coworkers had a little talk with me today. they were concerned about how sad i've been and they found out how i felt about the switching that went on. they tried to make me feel better. reassuring me it's not my performance. my boss does want me to succeed. if she wanted me gone, she would overload me and that would either cause her to fire me, or i quit on my own. i guess that's good to know. but i still feel like shit about the whole thing. it's not like they gave me an easy group. we have the toughest groups out of everyone. but i still don't feel better. i was actually kinda bored today! my emails subsided. my calls subsided. yeah, it will be interesting. sigh.

Peanut Brittle!

i always like throwing off my coworkers. when they call, sometimes i say "peanut brittle" and they start chuckling. hehe! yeah, i know i'm odd. i'm just trying to lighten my mood. still very depressed about the whole job thing. today was the official switch. i'm going to have a new backup, and she is already driving me nuts! *breathe* it is for the better, i must tell myself. it's a good thing. PEANUT BRITTLE! today is a crying day. i want to go to hawaii and get my marine biology degree. that would mean another move, and then when i would graduate, i would want to go to new england to maybe even get a masters if i'm smart enough. but i want to do marine rescue. that would be the most satisfying emotional rollar coaster i would ever be on, but i would love every single minute of it! so i don't think i am quite ready to move two more times in the next ten years. especially if there are kids by then who are in school! we'll see. i might try to do most of it on-line and then maybe only have to go to hawaii for a semester or two for the hands on, in the ocean, experience. right now, i just want to cuddle up and cry all night. but i don't want my husband to know just how down i am. yeah, i know i shouldn't keep things from him, but he knows about it, so it's not like i'm hiding it. i just hate how i look when i cry a lot. PEANUT BRITTLE! it's an ice cream night, even though it's like 8 degrees outside. it's a good thing i don't have any here! i'm way to lazy to go get it! mainly because i have to manually open the garage door because neither the garage or garage door are insulated, so the door is completely frosted and weighs too much for the motor to pull it up. it's very annoying. so i will stay in the house where it is warm, and read my book. =(

ambitions for the new year

yeah, i know it's like 12 days into the new year. i have to start sometime! actually, i've thought a lot, pursued not. hehe! i like that!
1. the first thing i want to do is paint our guest bathroom. we registered and recieved stuff for it, and now it's time to make it all grown up. it currently has fish on the walls, and i'm just not interested in them.
2.i'm going to get back into theatre, as soon as i quit missing the auditions and take up voice lessons again. I'm so jealous of those who are involved right now and i just sit at home, writing blogs.
3.hang up our pictures finally!
4. go back to school. what i will major in, i'm not quite sure. i'm leaning towards interior design, but still unsure of that. however, if i go back to school, theatre looks slim. although it will depend on how many classes i take and stuff. my poor husband won't ever see me.
5. get new bedroom furniture.
6. get a new car. after these past 4 weeks of snow every friday, i've finally caved in and will get the WRX STI subaru that my husband wants me to get. all wheel drive will be very helpful on the highways in all this white stuff! I'd get it in gray, however he does not like that color. we shall see.
7. hang out with my cousin more in denver.
8. go skiing on a real mountain!
9. paint our bedroom (after the bathroom is done and funiture is bought)
10. hike more.
those are the 10 things i want to accomplish this year. it's not a resolution, just an ambition. anyone want to join me on any of these? it's not as grand as last years, but it will do! it will keep me busy, and distract my mind that i am terribly homesick. and hopefully i won't go in debt trying to accomplish the list!
by the way Jer, my coworker googled me today at lunch and saw the article you put in the newsletter about my wedding! that is so sweet! thanks for that! i'm off to stay warm (in case you didn't know, -5 tonight, and tomorrows high, 5. is that really a high?)

life and stuff

it's been one of those weeks. it didn't start out good when that OSU team totally embarrassed any fan on monday. the only good thing that came from that game was i got to know my neighbors more. yesterday my boss had a meeting with me a another coworker and decided to switch our payroll groups because she is a stronger payroll person right now, and i'm just not there yet. i have corp payroll and they always have me bogged down. i don't hold anything against the girl i am switching with. she is my friend and a stronger worker. i'm up fro whatever will help our dept but i am totally disappointed in myself. i feel like i have failed. i'm a disappointment. oh, the not so good words run through my mind. i know it will be a good thing, it just hurts. more me hurting me than my boss trying to. and i don't think that was her intent and she probably has no idea i've cried twice over this at work. not to mention the other times at home. i can't tell her because it's all me. and it is supposed to snow AGAIN! talk about adding some morning stress before i even get to work, having to drive over half an hour when it usually only takes 30 minutes. i got a Christmas card from a friend who is taking up exotic dancing with another friend. sounds like so much fun! especially with those two! my friends are being casted in shows, getting married, having babies, going to parties, taking up dance, and i am out here. haven't really found those friends yet. i am totally homesick. as sad as it is to admit it, i would totally move back to ohio if my husband would allow. but i know he won't. it's not that i miss the actual state (i would rather be here with snow every friday than the unusually warm either there) i just miss my friends and the things i could do there. if all my friends would move out here, i would be the happiest person alive! but i know that won't happen. i have never been homesick before. maybe it's because i knew i would be going home soon. that is not the situation now. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled to be out here with my husband and going on new adventures and playing in the mountains (best playground EVER!) and i look forward to more adventures. i just wish my friends could come too. now i know how my husband felt when his family moved him from Connecticut to ohio and why he doesn't get close to many people anymore. but he had no choice. i could've said no to the proposal. i could've stayed there while he traveled here. i would have this huge dark void in my heart, but my friends would be there for me and eventually my life would get going again, but i would be able to go to parties and baby showers and weddings and theatre productions to support them. now i just watch in the distance. all i can do is leave comments on their blogs or in emails and christmas cards. and the occasional phone call. not the most happy blog, i know. and i did not intend for it to go this far, but sometimes when i don't really know what to say, i just need to write the first sentence, and it's off, like thoughts in the head that don't ever stop. but i will stop. keep in touch my friends! i miss you guys! break a leg in everything you do! KISSES!

Who kidknapped the BUCKEYES?

To my distraught, someone has kidknapped the OSU football team! did you see the game? yeah, that was not my OSU buckeyes! someone tied them up in the locker room and pretended they were the undefeated buckeyes and made us look so terrible! That was not our team playing last night. no, see the buckeyes would protect troy smith. the defense would not allow the offense to score that many times! no no! the real buckeyes were not on the field! i hope they have been released and demand a rematch! that's all i have to say on the subject....

Because i knew you...

I read a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blogs about how he still listens to the musical i introduced to him 2 years ago. and it made me think of what i wrote in our thanks yous to our wedding party from "Wicked" . the section i used is as follows: "so much of me is made of what i learned from you. you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend." i often wonder what would people be like if i never knew them? my friend, he wouldn't have a new musical to listen to! my husband, he would have a new wife, if one at all! wierd to think. i always wanted to just see what it would be like. you see, 17 plus years ago, as not a lot of my current friends know, i was very suicidal. i didn't want to live. i felt ugly, and unloved, even though i had a boyfriend, hated or made fun of by many, abusive father, felt stupid, just not really meant to be in the world at that time. occationally i will look at my scar and wonder what if i really did go all the way? what impact have i put on my friends now? what would be different in thier lives if i never made it through high school? i feel we all have a path to take, and along that path there are many things we influence in every way. i wasn't meant to jump off that path though. i was meant to hit all the bumps, no matter how deep, to find the smoother path. and what if i took a different path at the fork? what if i never moved to columbus or even colorado? everyone would go on with their lives as they do now, never knowing me. and what would that be? what impact have i left? no one really knows. i was meant to meet these people. my mind just lingers of what ifs, knowing that i will never find the answer. and then i wonder what would my life be if i never met my friend who would've never found the musical. what would my life be if i never met him? i would have no one to tease about spilling beer and getting a lid for the cup so he doesn't spill! and what if my husband never moved to ohio? would i be married to someone else? or married at all? would i be able to love someone as much as i love him? i know these are things we should not linger on. so i don't, but i thought i would throw it out in the void. all my what ifs. i'm glad i never got off the path. yea, it was rough. very rough, but i think i needed that to be who i am now. i'm glad i have the friends i have now. it's helped me become who i am. why i think the way i do. why i act the way i do. yeah, i stumble a lot, but my friends are there to lift me back up and dust off my knees. if i never met a friend, i would never have this awesome quote and CD! well, i would eventually, but not when i did! and now through tearful eyes, i end this void of what ifs. i thank you for being my friend. i now anxiously await what is ahead on my path, while knowing what's behind me will also always be beside me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

so a new year is upon us! i don't know what to do this year! last year was so busy!!! i think i could've done a few more things! let's recap, shall we? exactly a year ago, i did the biggest move ever! in many senses of the word! i packed up my things, and left ohio with a tearful joy. took a trip with the future inlaws which was interesting and i was ready for them to leave after the 4th day. two days in the same car is a LONG time to be with someone! so i moved into a three bedroom apartment that we didn't fit in, but we made it work since we knew we would not be there long. once things settled down with the move and i had no job, i started planning my wedding! for three monthsi went on three interviews and no bites. then i jump on the first job availible that took me. although it was temp, it was a job which i needed. things were not going well there, so the job search journey began again! meanwhile, i am still planning a wedding, and looking for houses with my fiance a the time. we find a house, however we don't close for three months. no pressure on finding a full time job! june finally comes and i fly back to ohio for a weekend for my bachelorette party and bridal shower. then things really were not going well at my current job and i had one possible temp job, but they were being slow on it. finally at the right time, i get a call from my current job, offering me a job. and i take it! not because i needed to, but becuase i wanted to work for them! so i start there, i pack our apartment and we move into our house all in a week! whew! and we are only in the begining of august! still planning a wedding! talked to my bridesmaids a lot! talked to mom way too many times. we get moved in, then i try to get my personal business going. sure enough i am able to get people to a workshop and it just booms from there! at least three parties a month! then i decide i need more to do, so i take a seasonal job at one of my fav stores. then october comes and i am gone for a week and a half doing the most wonderful thing that could ever happen! get married and go on a honeymoon! heck yeah! then we come back and find our cat ate our bird. tragic! i also have two parties within the first week i am back! whew! then christmas starts up and i have more hours at my seasonal job and somewhere in there, i have to get christmas gifts! then snowdays come and i actually stop for the first time. i didn't know what to do! but that quickly picked back up and now it is the new year! started out with a hangover, so i'm thinking it's going to be a pretty good year! why? because last year i had a hang over and it was an AWESOME crazy year! but i would do it all over again! except the interviewing and working at the hotel. insane! so this year, i have nothing planned except a summer vacation! sorry, ohio, going to the beach. but it's going to be a good year and i'm excited to start it with my husband as we begin a new chapter in our lives as husband and wife! life is good. i wish you a great new year too! don't dwell on the bad stuff, for there are way more happy stuff!