something a little different

My dream catcher
My heart-throbber
My tear catcher
My lover.

My everything
My everyone
My every being
Together as one

My believer
My laughter
My defender
My ever after

happy wedding days!

my friend is getting married this saturday. in ohio. i can't go. i already had prior committments. kinda sucks! i'm sure it will be wonderful though! i miss out on so much out here! my other friend is getting married in december. don't know yet if i am invited. don't know if i will be able to go to that one either though! why can't people get married out here? just kidding. it would be convienient for me, but not for the majority of thier guests. oh well. i know the excitement she must be feeling right now. i kinda miss that feeling! too bad it happens only once! it's a good thing, but i'm sure there will be other excitements ahead.
i should be working on getting my workshops ready for this weekend. i'm just not motivated right now. i am going to a surprise birthday party tonight, so the rest of the evening is out of the question. i will have to get up early tomorrow to get ready if i don't start working on it now. sigh. i've been so lazy! i wonder if it has to do with how depressed i am. actually, i'm pretty sure that is why.
two of my coworkers had a little talk with me today. they were concerned about how sad i've been and they found out how i felt about the switching that went on. they tried to make me feel better. reassuring me it's not my performance. my boss does want me to succeed. if she wanted me gone, she would overload me and that would either cause her to fire me, or i quit on my own. i guess that's good to know. but i still feel like shit about the whole thing. it's not like they gave me an easy group. we have the toughest groups out of everyone. but i still don't feel better. i was actually kinda bored today! my emails subsided. my calls subsided. yeah, it will be interesting. sigh.

Peanut Brittle!

i always like throwing off my coworkers. when they call, sometimes i say "peanut brittle" and they start chuckling. hehe! yeah, i know i'm odd. i'm just trying to lighten my mood. still very depressed about the whole job thing. today was the official switch. i'm going to have a new backup, and she is already driving me nuts! *breathe* it is for the better, i must tell myself. it's a good thing. PEANUT BRITTLE! today is a crying day. i want to go to hawaii and get my marine biology degree. that would mean another move, and then when i would graduate, i would want to go to new england to maybe even get a masters if i'm smart enough. but i want to do marine rescue. that would be the most satisfying emotional rollar coaster i would ever be on, but i would love every single minute of it! so i don't think i am quite ready to move two more times in the next ten years. especially if there are kids by then who are in school! we'll see. i might try to do most of it on-line and then maybe only have to go to hawaii for a semester or two for the hands on, in the ocean, experience. right now, i just want to cuddle up and cry all night. but i don't want my husband to know just how down i am. yeah, i know i shouldn't keep things from him, but he knows about it, so it's not like i'm hiding it. i just hate how i look when i cry a lot. PEANUT BRITTLE! it's an ice cream night, even though it's like 8 degrees outside. it's a good thing i don't have any here! i'm way to lazy to go get it! mainly because i have to manually open the garage door because neither the garage or garage door are insulated, so the door is completely frosted and weighs too much for the motor to pull it up. it's very annoying. so i will stay in the house where it is warm, and read my book. =(

ambitions for the new year

yeah, i know it's like 12 days into the new year. i have to start sometime! actually, i've thought a lot, pursued not. hehe! i like that!
1. the first thing i want to do is paint our guest bathroom. we registered and recieved stuff for it, and now it's time to make it all grown up. it currently has fish on the walls, and i'm just not interested in them.
2.i'm going to get back into theatre, as soon as i quit missing the auditions and take up voice lessons again. I'm so jealous of those who are involved right now and i just sit at home, writing blogs.
3.hang up our pictures finally!
4. go back to school. what i will major in, i'm not quite sure. i'm leaning towards interior design, but still unsure of that. however, if i go back to school, theatre looks slim. although it will depend on how many classes i take and stuff. my poor husband won't ever see me.
5. get new bedroom furniture.
6. get a new car. after these past 4 weeks of snow every friday, i've finally caved in and will get the WRX STI subaru that my husband wants me to get. all wheel drive will be very helpful on the highways in all this white stuff! I'd get it in gray, however he does not like that color. we shall see.
7. hang out with my cousin more in denver.
8. go skiing on a real mountain!
9. paint our bedroom (after the bathroom is done and funiture is bought)
10. hike more.
those are the 10 things i want to accomplish this year. it's not a resolution, just an ambition. anyone want to join me on any of these? it's not as grand as last years, but it will do! it will keep me busy, and distract my mind that i am terribly homesick. and hopefully i won't go in debt trying to accomplish the list!
by the way Jer, my coworker googled me today at lunch and saw the article you put in the newsletter about my wedding! that is so sweet! thanks for that! i'm off to stay warm (in case you didn't know, -5 tonight, and tomorrows high, 5. is that really a high?)

life and stuff

it's been one of those weeks. it didn't start out good when that OSU team totally embarrassed any fan on monday. the only good thing that came from that game was i got to know my neighbors more. yesterday my boss had a meeting with me a another coworker and decided to switch our payroll groups because she is a stronger payroll person right now, and i'm just not there yet. i have corp payroll and they always have me bogged down. i don't hold anything against the girl i am switching with. she is my friend and a stronger worker. i'm up fro whatever will help our dept but i am totally disappointed in myself. i feel like i have failed. i'm a disappointment. oh, the not so good words run through my mind. i know it will be a good thing, it just hurts. more me hurting me than my boss trying to. and i don't think that was her intent and she probably has no idea i've cried twice over this at work. not to mention the other times at home. i can't tell her because it's all me. and it is supposed to snow AGAIN! talk about adding some morning stress before i even get to work, having to drive over half an hour when it usually only takes 30 minutes. i got a Christmas card from a friend who is taking up exotic dancing with another friend. sounds like so much fun! especially with those two! my friends are being casted in shows, getting married, having babies, going to parties, taking up dance, and i am out here. haven't really found those friends yet. i am totally homesick. as sad as it is to admit it, i would totally move back to ohio if my husband would allow. but i know he won't. it's not that i miss the actual state (i would rather be here with snow every friday than the unusually warm either there) i just miss my friends and the things i could do there. if all my friends would move out here, i would be the happiest person alive! but i know that won't happen. i have never been homesick before. maybe it's because i knew i would be going home soon. that is not the situation now. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled to be out here with my husband and going on new adventures and playing in the mountains (best playground EVER!) and i look forward to more adventures. i just wish my friends could come too. now i know how my husband felt when his family moved him from Connecticut to ohio and why he doesn't get close to many people anymore. but he had no choice. i could've said no to the proposal. i could've stayed there while he traveled here. i would have this huge dark void in my heart, but my friends would be there for me and eventually my life would get going again, but i would be able to go to parties and baby showers and weddings and theatre productions to support them. now i just watch in the distance. all i can do is leave comments on their blogs or in emails and christmas cards. and the occasional phone call. not the most happy blog, i know. and i did not intend for it to go this far, but sometimes when i don't really know what to say, i just need to write the first sentence, and it's off, like thoughts in the head that don't ever stop. but i will stop. keep in touch my friends! i miss you guys! break a leg in everything you do! KISSES!

Who kidknapped the BUCKEYES?

To my distraught, someone has kidknapped the OSU football team! did you see the game? yeah, that was not my OSU buckeyes! someone tied them up in the locker room and pretended they were the undefeated buckeyes and made us look so terrible! That was not our team playing last night. no, see the buckeyes would protect troy smith. the defense would not allow the offense to score that many times! no no! the real buckeyes were not on the field! i hope they have been released and demand a rematch! that's all i have to say on the subject....

Because i knew you...

I read a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blogs about how he still listens to the musical i introduced to him 2 years ago. and it made me think of what i wrote in our thanks yous to our wedding party from "Wicked" . the section i used is as follows: "so much of me is made of what i learned from you. you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend." i often wonder what would people be like if i never knew them? my friend, he wouldn't have a new musical to listen to! my husband, he would have a new wife, if one at all! wierd to think. i always wanted to just see what it would be like. you see, 17 plus years ago, as not a lot of my current friends know, i was very suicidal. i didn't want to live. i felt ugly, and unloved, even though i had a boyfriend, hated or made fun of by many, abusive father, felt stupid, just not really meant to be in the world at that time. occationally i will look at my scar and wonder what if i really did go all the way? what impact have i put on my friends now? what would be different in thier lives if i never made it through high school? i feel we all have a path to take, and along that path there are many things we influence in every way. i wasn't meant to jump off that path though. i was meant to hit all the bumps, no matter how deep, to find the smoother path. and what if i took a different path at the fork? what if i never moved to columbus or even colorado? everyone would go on with their lives as they do now, never knowing me. and what would that be? what impact have i left? no one really knows. i was meant to meet these people. my mind just lingers of what ifs, knowing that i will never find the answer. and then i wonder what would my life be if i never met my friend who would've never found the musical. what would my life be if i never met him? i would have no one to tease about spilling beer and getting a lid for the cup so he doesn't spill! and what if my husband never moved to ohio? would i be married to someone else? or married at all? would i be able to love someone as much as i love him? i know these are things we should not linger on. so i don't, but i thought i would throw it out in the void. all my what ifs. i'm glad i never got off the path. yea, it was rough. very rough, but i think i needed that to be who i am now. i'm glad i have the friends i have now. it's helped me become who i am. why i think the way i do. why i act the way i do. yeah, i stumble a lot, but my friends are there to lift me back up and dust off my knees. if i never met a friend, i would never have this awesome quote and CD! well, i would eventually, but not when i did! and now through tearful eyes, i end this void of what ifs. i thank you for being my friend. i now anxiously await what is ahead on my path, while knowing what's behind me will also always be beside me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

so a new year is upon us! i don't know what to do this year! last year was so busy!!! i think i could've done a few more things! let's recap, shall we? exactly a year ago, i did the biggest move ever! in many senses of the word! i packed up my things, and left ohio with a tearful joy. took a trip with the future inlaws which was interesting and i was ready for them to leave after the 4th day. two days in the same car is a LONG time to be with someone! so i moved into a three bedroom apartment that we didn't fit in, but we made it work since we knew we would not be there long. once things settled down with the move and i had no job, i started planning my wedding! for three monthsi went on three interviews and no bites. then i jump on the first job availible that took me. although it was temp, it was a job which i needed. things were not going well there, so the job search journey began again! meanwhile, i am still planning a wedding, and looking for houses with my fiance a the time. we find a house, however we don't close for three months. no pressure on finding a full time job! june finally comes and i fly back to ohio for a weekend for my bachelorette party and bridal shower. then things really were not going well at my current job and i had one possible temp job, but they were being slow on it. finally at the right time, i get a call from my current job, offering me a job. and i take it! not because i needed to, but becuase i wanted to work for them! so i start there, i pack our apartment and we move into our house all in a week! whew! and we are only in the begining of august! still planning a wedding! talked to my bridesmaids a lot! talked to mom way too many times. we get moved in, then i try to get my personal business going. sure enough i am able to get people to a workshop and it just booms from there! at least three parties a month! then i decide i need more to do, so i take a seasonal job at one of my fav stores. then october comes and i am gone for a week and a half doing the most wonderful thing that could ever happen! get married and go on a honeymoon! heck yeah! then we come back and find our cat ate our bird. tragic! i also have two parties within the first week i am back! whew! then christmas starts up and i have more hours at my seasonal job and somewhere in there, i have to get christmas gifts! then snowdays come and i actually stop for the first time. i didn't know what to do! but that quickly picked back up and now it is the new year! started out with a hangover, so i'm thinking it's going to be a pretty good year! why? because last year i had a hang over and it was an AWESOME crazy year! but i would do it all over again! except the interviewing and working at the hotel. insane! so this year, i have nothing planned except a summer vacation! sorry, ohio, going to the beach. but it's going to be a good year and i'm excited to start it with my husband as we begin a new chapter in our lives as husband and wife! life is good. i wish you a great new year too! don't dwell on the bad stuff, for there are way more happy stuff!