rough life

i don't understand why people marry people when that person hurts them. i have a friend here that is married, and some of the things she tells me he does, i just don't understand. he doesn't hit her, at least that i know, but i think he's a little rough of the verbage sometimes. like, the other day we got in this little argument, and one of the things she said was that she has enough negativity at home, she doesn't need it here, meaning work. i won't get into that argument, but it just makes me think, why do people put themselves in that type of environment? they know going into the marriage that he's like that. maybe there's A LOT more good stuff about him that i just don't know yet. there would need to be A LOT, and i mean A LOT of good stuff for me to get over the not so good. yeah, i grew up with being terrified of my father. not exactly negativity, but it was abuse. why would i want to marry someone who would be the same way? maybe because i was already in that environment, i knew better? i don't know. i just don't see how people can be with people who make them sad, or don't have much good to say, wether about them or someone else. and then i think about the kids involved. are they going to grow up being terrified of thier father as i was? that's not healthy either, and they don't have a choice! i don't even know if this blog even makes sense. i just had to get it off my chest. whew.
on a side note, i start rehearsals tonight, and i can't wait!

17 again, even if it's just for a day

My absence from the stage has ended! That's right my fellow readers! i am back on the stage! i saw the audition a week ago, i never got to read the script. just saw the ages. knew i would be stuck in the middle, but i thought i would give it a chance. so this monday, i went and auditioned for this little theatre (and you thought CP was small!) about 20 minutes away. i handed the director my application and he saw my age and told me that i was borderline for some of the roles, and i told him i had played a teen before (and won an award for it, but i didn't tell him that) and he said he'll see what he could do! so i go up and read. i read for the sister to the lead brother. both teens. felt good about it. then i read for her best friend and cousin, another teen. the character engulfed me! i was this person, saying these words and making these motions and i had no control of it! and i was reading her for the first time! it was the best feeling EVER! and how i missed it! so he had me read her a lot that night. then on wed, he sends out the email for those he wants called back. i emailed him back saying i would be there. he emails me back and said that i would've already been cast, however it was the boyfriend that i had to match up to and suggested i try to look slightly younger that night. and he really enjoyed watching me! there were more comments and suggestions from him in another email, that i won't bore you with, but it really shot up my confidence! so i work with my husband on how to get me younger. i go to call backs. two roles were already cast. the lead teen boy, who is slightly older, but it works, and then the preacher. both did really well at auditions. well, the teen (his character's name is buddy) sat beside me. when we went on break after a tough audition, he told me i did a really good job. then there was some small talk and then he wanted to know how old i was. i told him i would tell him later. i just didn't feel right telling him at that moment when my competition was sitting two seats over. break is over and the director asks some men to stay and say to everyone else he will email the cast list by saturday, but will probably have it out before then. then dismissed everyone else. so i look at buddy and tell him this is the worst part of auditions. he said i have nothing to worry about. he's pretty sure i am in. i said i don't know. then he said he would put money on it, and i said i wouldn't. don't want to get too confident! it just makes disappointment more shattering. so then i shake his hand and say congrats on the role for him and tell him i'm 29. his eyes got big and his mouth dropped and he said NO WAY! i just laughed and said yeah, and walked out. this morning i check my email about a thousand times. no listing. not that i expect it to be posted! then at around 9:30 i get a call from the director asking me to play the role of Darlene! of course i accept, i get off the phone and fly to cloud 9! i think i'm more excited to be on the stage again than getting the role! although i am thrilled to be playing Darlene! she is the character that overtook me and i can't wait for it to just grow and grow! i am so exited i can't even stand it! i just want to climb to the top of mt meeker and tell the whole world "I'M BACK STAGE! WATCH OUT!" and what is really cool is that i always wanted to play a teen or kid. i thought it would be something like charlie brown or something, but this works! sigh. still floating. somebody pull my cloud down! my husband is a little bumbed. i think he's kinda sad he's not on the stage, and he's the theater major! he is sad that he won't see me three days a week. and then if i have a workshop, or have to work at WS, yeah, he won't see me much. you probably want to know the play huh! it's called "The Diviners" and the website is www.tclstage.org just in case you want to take a trip to CO and see me!!!!!!! there's free lodging! YEAY!!!!

must be the night

I had a terrible dream the other night. it woke me up around 3:30 and i forced my eyes to stay open. when that failed, i tried to get my mind to think of other things instead of what just happened in my mind. i think i fell asleep for an hour before my alarm went off. then i had that heavy sleep, like i didn't sleep well. oh wait, i didn't. so what was that terrible dream?
there's a girl i don't like back in ohio. in the dream, she convinced my brother to catch my bedroom on fire. this bedroom is of the house i grew up in. i was there when he does it. he sets fire to the bedsheets, which just lingers in one spot. i convince him to put out the fire. i told him i don't want my room to burn (who wouldn't!) and that i liked my bed (it's a canapy) and everything in my room. so the fire is out, however i can't sleep becuase i'm afraid she will look in the window to see if he succeeded on the fire. she never comes. but i hear somebody shoveling outside, yet there's no snow. so i go into work the next day, which is here in CO. she comes in because she works in the same department. don't ask. so i get up when i hear her come in and start yelling at her. i ask her why she would want to do such a thing and that i hate her and how cruel and rude she is. and then i tell her that it didn't happen. then she so casually (which makes me want to hit her) says, "that's alright. i've taken care of it along with some other houses.' she gives a little smirk and sits down. i run out of the office, and all of a sudden it's night. the guy (don't know if it's my brother or my husband, but i'm close to him) drives me to a house. it's a ranch. sure enough, the entire inside is empty and the colored walls are smeared with smoke. she wasn't lying. i run to the back yard, which is covered in snow and start to run towards my mom's house (that little growing up house has changed to this) and i ask the guy how far our house is from here and he said a couple blocks, so we run back to the car and head that way. i force myself awake. i just don't want to see my mom's house burnt by this evil person i had to work with every day.
That's my horrible dream. i was afraid to go back to sleep and pick up where i left off. i just didn't want to go there. but the other burnt house is still a vivid picture in my mind. and the look on her face while i yelled at her haunts me. it was so cold and uncaring, almost errie! ok, it was errie. i no longer have my orange mist (OJ and sierra mist) before i go to bed. just in case that was the cause of that terrible, horrible, awful dream.

Damn you Columbus!

i knew i should've stayed here. sulk in my illness. get over the fact i don't have the group i had in Ohio. come to grips that i might never have that group, or any other group to really hang out with and stuff. just stay here, sick, for home. maybe, eventually, some day, 8 years from now, the illness would pass. but, no, i just fed the fire and went home. don't get me wrong, i was very glad i did! i had a great time with everyone, and even a greater time surprising everyone! i just wish the visit could've been longer. way longer, like 5 years. i don't even know when i would be home next. i'm not even allowed to go home for my friend's wedding! we'll see where i am financially by that point. i might be able to go home. but even that wouldn't be a long visit. they go on with thier lives, almost as if i was just a figment. and it even feels like i wasn't there. just a great dream. i try to cram visits with friends in a short time span, making me just a figment. was i really there? although this time i did not cry as i left the airport to go to my husband, i cry now. longing for that happiness that the jets of the planes suck out of my soul as it pulls away from the gate. i must guard the other happiness with my husband with steel walls so that does not get sucked out as well. then i would be left with nothing, but my illness...

success!

i get to the door of CP, hair short and black (not my norm). My friend was running late, so we had arrived after the show started. Someone inside hears us arrive and meets us at the door. it opens as we approach the steps. i am maybe a foot in front of her. i know her. she looks me dead in the eyes and asks us a question. i don't even remember the question. i was so worried she knew it was me. my friend speaks. she turns to her. takes a second and realizes who she is. talks to her and then looks back at me, dead in the eyes. she gave no indication she reconized me. but would she? she shows us to some seats, there's not room. so she takes us to the other side. there's room and we quietly sit. first round, success.
i reconize the person in front of me. i quickly whisper to my friend not to mention anything about me. a funny part happens in the play. i laugh loudly. i hear my friend i have come to surprise laugh as well. (it's his first full length play to direct) he is sitting where we were about to sit. ironic? my friend tells me not to laugh. good thing it was more drama than humor. i would've been in trouble! intermission comes. the girl comes for our money for the tickets. she stands right next to me. i watch my friend get her check ready. i don't turn around. my friend then goes to get us something to eat. i get out and a good friend of mine comes around the corner and sees my friend. i quickly jump back in the seat, hoping she doesn't reconize me. my friend tells her i am from out of town. technically i am. while she is getting stuff, the director comes around the corner and starts talking to the ladies in front of me. oh crap! so i duck my head and pretend i am reading the program. i don't even know if he looked back at me or not, but he was facing my way. then my friend comes back and sees him standing there. "should we go to the bathroom to get away?" she whispers. "no," i say, "more people to avoid." he then starts to talk to my friend. i barely glance at him. i just look around the theatre, looking bored. occationally, i would look at the program. go away! i think. he's going to reconize me and it will be ruined! finally the music cues him to go sit down. PHEW! we decide to keep the wig on. while i'm watching the second act, i start to think about how much i miss performing on that stage. on any stage! this is my first performance in a year! and it's all improv. the show ends. my friend asks the ladies in front (who know me) to take our picture. no indication they reconized me. second round, success.
we hang around the seats for a little bit. then turn the corner. another friend of mine is at the table with the food. he looks at me. i grab my hair and pull it back. this long natural light brown hair falls. it is i. his eyes get big and he runs around the table and gives me a huge hug. he could not believe i was there. my friend told me to quickly put the wig back on, as the director has not turned the corner yet. so i rush into the bathroom, put the wig back on, and come out. just in time. he comes over to the snack table with his girlfriend. she stops next to me. she has no clue. i wait for him to turn around. he doesn't turn around. my friend trys to talk to me in a way that would make him turn. no luck. he goes to the side of the table. finally, as the glass is to his lips, he turns and looks at me. i pull my short black hair off. his drink goes back into the glass as he bends over in shock. his girlfriend still has not realized it is me. he runs over and gives me a huge hug. i tell him i came to support him, and wanted to surprise him. his girlfriend finally sees it is me and gives me a huge hug. all the freinds i had hoped would show up that night did. lots of hugs and smiles went around. final round, success!