what's going on?

yeah yeah. i know it's been a while. i just hate my dial up at home and having a terrible time trying to convince my husband we can get it. so i am writting on lunch. i don't even want to be here for lunch...
went to myrtle beach last week! it doesn't even feel like i was there. we went with some fabulous friends, and i hope they had just a good time as we did. what was really sad was i depressed half the time! i shouldn't be! i'm on vacation! away from everything here in CO! we didn't want to come back at all. who does?
i think there's something going on. in my head. i just don't want to do anything. even things i enjoy. i started to attempt to write a book. haven't been inspired to pick it back up again. havent' done any stampin up stuff. half the time i don't even want to read harry potter! who wouldn't want to read that? which reminds me, i need to update my readings. i don't know what's going on. there's so much i want to do, yet i can't get myself to do any of them! i even have an audition coming up in two weeks. need a monologue. i don't have a monologue. printed some off the internet before vac to start working on. never touched it. i just read through them last night. don't know what i'll do. this is not my strongpoint! i should've been working on this long long ago if i want in this show! yeah. need to get working on that. i'm just... uh, i just don't know! i can't even put it in words! i think i'm just stuck right now with my life. i don't want to be doing what i am doing, jobwise. i can't afford to pursue college to do what i want to do. i need a dog. i need that companionship. the cat just doesn't do it for me. it's on his time, not on mine. i need someone who will accept my lovin' anytime. besides my husband. he isn't even home half the time i am. it's still wierd to call him that. i'm stuck. in a hallway full of doors with no way out. or maybe i just haven't found the door that's unlocked yet. or the key to the doors. see! i can't even write my blog in the way i want to! ARGH! maybe i'm just making things more frustrating than they are. maybe i'm waiting for the "big break" when i actually need to go find it. i just have laziness tied around my ankles and i can't get the knot out. the only reason i want a kid is so i don't have to work for 6-12 weeks. and still get money. how sad is that? pretty sad. wow. this blog is a happy one... of course most aren't anymore for me. it seems like. i just need a change. like i haven't had enough of those in the past year and a half. i just need a different kind of change. or move along the ocean where i can sit on my back deck and write fabulous books (*hah) and not have to step onto an office, ever ever ever again... that would be nice. sorry for the downer. hopefully i'll have a good blog soon...