what's behind the mind?

so i have no idea what to write. i'm on my lunch, only because i have to be, not because i want to be. since i don't live close, i either waste gas and money at a store, or hang out in my cubie. so i sit here, hoodie up, pondering on the thoughts in the back of my head. what do i want to bring forward? do i even know what thoughts lay back there? some things i just shouldn't post. i'm tired of writing non interesting, look what's got me down, blogs.
but why do i have nothing interesting to say? and why can't i get those thoughts out from the back? i could complain, but no one cares about that. you know that CD i was all excited that i found? yeah, it's still at home, so i'm not even enjoying it right now. although i do have bon jovi, and that's pretty nice to listen to.
i'm really really really tired. i wish i could just sleep through an entire night. i don't want to do the drugs thing. i want to naturally find my peace in the night. maybe that's why my thoughts are stuck in the back. my muscles are too tired to move them forward. i know there's a whole bunch back there. i just don't know how to get to them, and once i have them, how to get them onto this blog?
i'm just randomly placing paragraphs too. did you notice that? i either don't write paragraphs, or i at least have a sense of where they go. i'm just too tired to care right now! did you ever in school write notes to your friends and write them in different shapes and scwibbles (yes i wrote scwibbles) so the person who has to read it has to turn the paper in all sorts of directions? that was lots of fun. i don't know why i started thinking of that. i want to do that to this blog, but i really doubt it will be successful. plus it would be really hard to turn the screen. unless you have one of those really cool monitors. hehe!
so i guess that's the only thing i could come up with to blog about. i shall end it now before i start to continue to type about nothing, and why nothing is the only thing to write about. sigh. have a great weekend! break a leg if you are in show!

Josh Groban

Heard of him? you should if you haven't. he's had some hits on pop radio stations. he's sung with the Boston Pops (which is where i first heard him), Allie McBeal, superbowl, Oprah, Salt Lake City olympics opening ceremony (with charlotte church) and many other events. i don't remember how i came across his first CD. But when i first heard him, i couldn't turn away. He has a song on the first CD that was sung on Allie McBeal. then after 9/11 (God rest thier souls) the song became more famous. forget the title. but it still makes me cry. went to a concert for his second CD. FABULOUS! OH! and he's on the soundtrack for Troy. He also sings in different languages as well. very unique musician. ok, so why am i writing about him? let me just tell you...
i am in love with this man, or rather his voice. i'm truly in love with another man, but when i hear Josh Groban's voice, my soul just comes to surface. my mind escapes. i listen to him when i take a bath, when i have a stressful day at work. i can't explain his voice. i have 4 cds. one is a cd/dvd. my favorite CD is "Closer". it had come up missing. i have this as concert mode which just highlights the cd (it's the cd/dvd) but it didn't have my most favorite song on it. i was going to withdraw! i almost bought the CD again, but got the new Bon Jovi instead. glad i didn't buy it for as i'm hooking up my old computer to get my theatre resume off of it, i notice the D drive is called Josh Groban! what? could that be? so i open the d drive and sure enough! it's my long lost "Closer" cd! i looked everywhere for this thing! i now have it back! and i am now listening to it!
"When you say you love me..." is my most favorite song. sometimes i can get all the way through singing it without crying. othertimes, i just have to let the tears fall. sometimes his songs just say the right words. just how i feel inside. yeah, i know there are lots of musicians that do that. for me, it's him. it's not just the words either. it's the whole thing. the voice, the rythmn, the instruments. it just pulls everything out from my deepest hideaways, and they all come running out, down the cheeks, clinging to the cheek, in hopes to absorb back into the deepest soul. some are successful. others fall off and leave thier marks on my shirt, the desk, whatever is in it's path.
one of my dreams is to sing with him. my life would be complete if i could just do one song, one duet with him. even if i don't perform it in front of an audience (which would be the icing on the cake). i just want to join our voices. see what would happen. would they clash? or would they sore above together? it's like finding a good pianist to play while you sing. it has to be a great chemistry to be a fabulous song. would we have that? as singers, performers? would we, together, be able to move the world? would i be blessed enough to actually be on a CD someday with him? i'm just a no one, here in CO. but, just for a day, i want to be a someone who gets to sing with one of the most unique, amazing singers EVER!
he's coming here in August. i don't get to go. for one, i just can't afford it. even the nose bleed seats are too much. and two, i don't really have anyone to go with. my husband would go, but i think it's during the week. i shall wait to see when he comes here again. maybe i'll just barge past security, find his manager and tell him i just want to sing one thing with him. just one thing. don't even care if it's just in a dressing room after a long concert. i just want to join our voices together. to see what would happen. to say i was good enough to sing with Josh Groban. and then my life would be complete.

i figured it out...

it just dawned on me as i put my dishes away what i think i need to get out of this slump!
1. a laptop (which i don't have)
2. some really good books (which i do have or easily get)
3. vacation time (don't have)
4. money (don't have)
5. little beach house tucked along the beachline in petite keys (saw it on the travel channel once)
6. a lot of wine (don't have)
7. alone time (don't have)
8. lots of sun and ocean air (don't have, have mountain air though!)
yeah, so looks like i'm stuck in the slump. yep stuck. can't get out... sigh...

what's going on?

yeah yeah. i know it's been a while. i just hate my dial up at home and having a terrible time trying to convince my husband we can get it. so i am writting on lunch. i don't even want to be here for lunch...
went to myrtle beach last week! it doesn't even feel like i was there. we went with some fabulous friends, and i hope they had just a good time as we did. what was really sad was i depressed half the time! i shouldn't be! i'm on vacation! away from everything here in CO! we didn't want to come back at all. who does?
i think there's something going on. in my head. i just don't want to do anything. even things i enjoy. i started to attempt to write a book. haven't been inspired to pick it back up again. havent' done any stampin up stuff. half the time i don't even want to read harry potter! who wouldn't want to read that? which reminds me, i need to update my readings. i don't know what's going on. there's so much i want to do, yet i can't get myself to do any of them! i even have an audition coming up in two weeks. need a monologue. i don't have a monologue. printed some off the internet before vac to start working on. never touched it. i just read through them last night. don't know what i'll do. this is not my strongpoint! i should've been working on this long long ago if i want in this show! yeah. need to get working on that. i'm just... uh, i just don't know! i can't even put it in words! i think i'm just stuck right now with my life. i don't want to be doing what i am doing, jobwise. i can't afford to pursue college to do what i want to do. i need a dog. i need that companionship. the cat just doesn't do it for me. it's on his time, not on mine. i need someone who will accept my lovin' anytime. besides my husband. he isn't even home half the time i am. it's still wierd to call him that. i'm stuck. in a hallway full of doors with no way out. or maybe i just haven't found the door that's unlocked yet. or the key to the doors. see! i can't even write my blog in the way i want to! ARGH! maybe i'm just making things more frustrating than they are. maybe i'm waiting for the "big break" when i actually need to go find it. i just have laziness tied around my ankles and i can't get the knot out. the only reason i want a kid is so i don't have to work for 6-12 weeks. and still get money. how sad is that? pretty sad. wow. this blog is a happy one... of course most aren't anymore for me. it seems like. i just need a change. like i haven't had enough of those in the past year and a half. i just need a different kind of change. or move along the ocean where i can sit on my back deck and write fabulous books (*hah) and not have to step onto an office, ever ever ever again... that would be nice. sorry for the downer. hopefully i'll have a good blog soon...