baby or no baby?

my coworker is pregnant. she got married almost 1 year before i did. she kept coming to work so very tired. i kept asking her if she was pregnant. she kept saying no. well, over thanksgiving, she found out she was. then she told me and two other coworkers at lunch that monday. we aren't supposed to say anything yet to the others. she's not that far along. when she told our boss, our boss told her she knew someone was pregnant, but she thought it was me. so that got me slightly paranoid. does she know something i don't? how could she? so then i started to freak out because i have been as tired as my friend. and you know what was so sad about the whole thing? i didn't want it if i was! how cruel am i? i don't want something that my husband and i have made together. maybe some of it was i'm just not ready yet. i just got married after all! and got a house! i can't afford a baby too! but i just don't want kids either! i told my husband i would have one with him, and maybe after that, i will change my mind. but no kids after 35! but now that the thought was in my mind, i really didn't want it! i was going to have to lose weight before i gain baby weight. and if i take after my mom, i won't lose the belly! i totally had a few days of freaking out. then aunt flow came to visit and it was safe for me to tell my husband that my friend was pregnant, and that our boss thought it was me. and you know what he said? if we were going to have a child, we would have to sell the house. that is his answer to any sort of financial situations that might come up. very frustrating. i won't even go into all that frustration. so now my new stress is, what if i still feel that way when i do get pregnant? am i going to have endless nights of crying? thoughts of falling down the stairs? i already feel that way now! i just don't want to be a mother. a mom. i just don't think it's something i will be good at. i know everyone seems to think i will be, but i'm really afraid that i won't! our child will be terrible because i can't control it like a mother should. i can't nurture it like a mother should. i can't love it like a mother would. i don't think i'll be able to have the patience for it! will i always yell at it? will i get bored trying to keep it happy all the time? what is wrong with me? why do i not want this wonderful miracle that God gives us? maybe i'm just not ready yet, so these thoughts are all fresh. and when i do get pregnant, it will be because we are ready as a couple and it will be happy thoughts. i have to have a child though. i told him i would, otherwise he wasn't going to marry me. boy would that piss him off! he would probably leave me right there. or kick me out. either way, it would be very very bad. the joys of motherhood just don't exist in me right now. i'm in for a long 18 years though when it comes.