Damn you Columbus!

i knew i should've stayed here. sulk in my illness. get over the fact i don't have the group i had in Ohio. come to grips that i might never have that group, or any other group to really hang out with and stuff. just stay here, sick, for home. maybe, eventually, some day, 8 years from now, the illness would pass. but, no, i just fed the fire and went home. don't get me wrong, i was very glad i did! i had a great time with everyone, and even a greater time surprising everyone! i just wish the visit could've been longer. way longer, like 5 years. i don't even know when i would be home next. i'm not even allowed to go home for my friend's wedding! we'll see where i am financially by that point. i might be able to go home. but even that wouldn't be a long visit. they go on with thier lives, almost as if i was just a figment. and it even feels like i wasn't there. just a great dream. i try to cram visits with friends in a short time span, making me just a figment. was i really there? although this time i did not cry as i left the airport to go to my husband, i cry now. longing for that happiness that the jets of the planes suck out of my soul as it pulls away from the gate. i must guard the other happiness with my husband with steel walls so that does not get sucked out as well. then i would be left with nothing, but my illness...