Because i knew you...

I read a comment a friend of mine left on one of my blogs about how he still listens to the musical i introduced to him 2 years ago. and it made me think of what i wrote in our thanks yous to our wedding party from "Wicked" . the section i used is as follows: "so much of me is made of what i learned from you. you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend." i often wonder what would people be like if i never knew them? my friend, he wouldn't have a new musical to listen to! my husband, he would have a new wife, if one at all! wierd to think. i always wanted to just see what it would be like. you see, 17 plus years ago, as not a lot of my current friends know, i was very suicidal. i didn't want to live. i felt ugly, and unloved, even though i had a boyfriend, hated or made fun of by many, abusive father, felt stupid, just not really meant to be in the world at that time. occationally i will look at my scar and wonder what if i really did go all the way? what impact have i put on my friends now? what would be different in thier lives if i never made it through high school? i feel we all have a path to take, and along that path there are many things we influence in every way. i wasn't meant to jump off that path though. i was meant to hit all the bumps, no matter how deep, to find the smoother path. and what if i took a different path at the fork? what if i never moved to columbus or even colorado? everyone would go on with their lives as they do now, never knowing me. and what would that be? what impact have i left? no one really knows. i was meant to meet these people. my mind just lingers of what ifs, knowing that i will never find the answer. and then i wonder what would my life be if i never met my friend who would've never found the musical. what would my life be if i never met him? i would have no one to tease about spilling beer and getting a lid for the cup so he doesn't spill! and what if my husband never moved to ohio? would i be married to someone else? or married at all? would i be able to love someone as much as i love him? i know these are things we should not linger on. so i don't, but i thought i would throw it out in the void. all my what ifs. i'm glad i never got off the path. yea, it was rough. very rough, but i think i needed that to be who i am now. i'm glad i have the friends i have now. it's helped me become who i am. why i think the way i do. why i act the way i do. yeah, i stumble a lot, but my friends are there to lift me back up and dust off my knees. if i never met a friend, i would never have this awesome quote and CD! well, i would eventually, but not when i did! and now through tearful eyes, i end this void of what ifs. i thank you for being my friend. i now anxiously await what is ahead on my path, while knowing what's behind me will also always be beside me.